Honking Box Review: The X Factor

So the fun stages are over. No more ‘ker-azy’ auditions, no more VTs trailing the bejesus out of highlights from six episodes ahead, no more boot camp snot waterfalls, no more shots of Sinitta clad in an array of BLOODY FANS(!!!!) and fingers crossed, no more Nicole Scherzinger gatecrashing proceedings.

Yes, The X Factor finals are on the horizon, and this weekend saw the judges making their choices as to who’d represent them atop the perspex-and-naffness festival that is the legendary live stage. So let’s recap who’s made it through…

Leon
You know him as: The one that has a mum. That’s who he’s doing this for, y’know. His mum. Did we mention he had a mum?
Unique selling point: Very unique in an X Factor sense. In the bigger picture, his voice and look equate to a market stall Paolo Nutini.
Target audience: His mum. Leon’s said himself it’s all for her. He may have mentioned her once or twice.
Chances of winning: Fair to middling, really… of course, if his mum’s as destitute as he makes out, she won’t be doing much in the way of re-dialling.

Futureproof
You know them as: The hotch-potch boyband of discarded soloists.
Unique selling point: The fact they’re a boyband - now a rare species in the topography of the Top 40.
Target audience: Squeeing teenage girls, and the occasional gay.
Chances of winning: Fairly solid, in our humble opinion. But they’re also quite crap, in our humble opinion.

Kimberley
You know her as: The gobby barmaid that looks a bit Trisha, but inexplicably leaves you chuckling after each on-screen appearance.
Unique selling point: It’ll be the personality.
Target audience: The half of the viewing audience that wants to go to bingo with her (as opposed to the half that want to tear her intestines out and strangle her with them).
Chances of winning: Fucking annoying, but a bit ace. Could well go the distance.

Niki
You know her as: The one whose dad is dead. Occasionally, she might sing a bit too.
Unique selling point: Her dead dad! Jeez, come on! Who needs a voice with that kind of backstory?
Target audience: The weepers - the people who sit down to watch X Factor armed with a box of Kleenex (and not in a dirty mac kind of way, you filthy sods. Get out of that sewer!).
Chances of winning: Probably a contender for final five - she’s actually got quite a pair of lungs on her.

Rhydian
You know him as: Opera Wanker
Unique selling point: A level of arrogance previously unknown to humankind, therefore making Rhydian a scientific marvel. Oh, and the opera.
Target audience: Grannies.
Chances of winning: Virtually non-existent. Bearing in mind this is a man who made Dannii Minogue retch at his first audition, it raises questions as to why he’s even through. Perhaps to stir up some week-to-week trouble with Sharon, a la Simon/Chico, or Mrs O’s previous spat with Rebecca “Beak-Faced Cunting Scumwhore” Loos ? That oughta teach those Strictly producers…

Daniel
You know him as: The one who plays the single dad card, but occasionally drops in how his parents carked it, just to cover all bases
Unique selling point: Um… he can pull off numerous styles of hat? It’s true, though.
Target audience: Single women fast approaching the menopause, who fall for Daniel’s single dad shtick, making their uterus cry out (which we imagine sounds not unlike whalesong)
Chances of winning: He’s on the right side of average, but is yet to prove himself as winner material.

Emily
You know her as: The one that looks like a dumpy Freema Agyeman, who this time a year ago could have been dead. Well, couldn’t we all, love? Any Tom, Dick or Chico could’ve almost choked on a Werther’s Original, but instead, miraculously chewed it before swallowing. Divine intervention, that.
Unique selling point: She’s been dead! As our favourite X Factor blog The Bitch Factor has taken to calling her, Zombie Emily’s got an edge nobody else can boast. Everyone else just has a dead relative, but this girl’s upped the stakes. An actual real-life singing corpse!
Target audience: Occult enthusiasts.
Chances of winning: Not a chance - getting to the live finals on the back of a sob story didn’t do Nikitta much good, did it? Then again, nearly all this year’s finalists have a tale of woe, so that sort of resets things…

Alisha
You know her as: Her with the Jheri-curl.
Unique selling point: TBC, quite frankly. Who even remembers her audition? Does she even have a dead relative?
Target audience: People who finger-snap and/or regularly use the word “fabulous.”
Chances of winning: Big fat zero. She’s good, but she’s seven shades of meh.

Andy
You know him as: The asbestos one.
Unique selling point: He’s got the Welsh vote - it’s safe to assume Rhydian won’t be sending the Valleys into a froth…
Target audience: Probably not customers of the Crystal Palace National Sports Centre, whose membership is now null and void thanks to an asbestos discovery. Could’ve made our lives a whole lot easier if you’d swung by prior to chasing your dreams, but oh no.
Chances of winning: Run along, now. Shayne Ward’s got this market covered, ta.

Hope
You know them as: The desperate gaggle of Frankenslags thrown together at the last minute, unaccountably selected ahead of noticeably superior girl groups W4 and Fallen Angelz.
Unique selling point: The dirrty factor. Also, the fact that one of them genuinely looks like a transsexual, and when was the last time we had one of them in a talent show? (Answer: Rowetta)
Target audience: We genuinely cannot consider who’d pick up the phone for this lot, not counting adverts placed in a phone box.
Chances of winning: The bookies have them as favourites, we say they can fuck off in Week One.

Beverley
You know her as: The schoolteacher with the bionic tear ducts.
Unique selling point: The biggest voice in the competition.
Target audience: She’s doing this for the kids in her school. Go on kids, dial away! Bev’s giving you licence to abuse mum and dad’s phone bill. Unless you don’t have a mum and dad, in which case please come along and audition yourself next year.
Chances of winning: The diva characters generally go far, but fail to make the final. But hey, the touring production of Chicago just got itself a new Mama Morton!

Same Difference
You know them as: The unremittingly smiley siblings, whose relationship appears to join the dots between Teletubbyland and Brookside Close.
Unique selling point: Their distinctive brand of built-in happiness, which appears to be a cutting-edge compound of prozac, dopamine, St John’s Wort and Skittles.
Target audience: Viewers of Hi-5
Chances of winning: 50/50 - they’ll either crash and burn in Week One or thunder through to the final.