The Sloppy Dog's Worst of 2011: Singles

It’s been a barren year for music, with the pop genre in particular churning out some truly awful material. The likes of Pixie Lott and The Saturdays have rarely been bastions of pop greatness, as evidenced by their awful output in 2011, but even the more reliable contenders such as JLS have produced some serious tripe. Luckily for them, none of them have made our final ten...

10. Cher Lloyd - Swagger Jagger
You can’t stop! Looking at her! MySpacing her! Chattin’ shit ‘bout her! That makes you’s a hater, but we’s also’s a hater, so you’s in good company. Some begrudging respect must go to Lloyd for such brazenness, and it certainly got people talking, but beyond that, it’s hard not to actively detest every single note of Swagger Jagger.

9. Viva Brother – Darling Buds of May
Initially, the promise of such a Britpop-heavy entity was hugely appealing, but in its execution, it all went horribly, horribly wrong, laden down with piss-weak riffs, scoff-inducing lyrics and affected vocals. Had this appeared at the heady days of the genre’s reign, it would’ve been laughed out of the Melody Maker within its first eight bars.

8. Kreayshawn - Gucci Gucci
It’s a mercy that this slithery, sub-Ke$ha trampfest didn’t perform better than it did, although just a couple of seconds exposure is all it takes to poison your system, with irreversible effects. That said, you can take some amusement from the fact that, even amidst all its attitude and boastfulness and supposed stabs at credibility, it just sounds like The Llama Song slowed down.

7. Jason DeRulo - Don't Wanna Go Home
He’s always been partial to the more peculiar sample, as far back as his passable debut single Whatcha Say. But the interpolation of The Banana Boat Song – a song whose inclusion in Beetlejuice and/or 1980s Trio ads is hard to shake off – was one sample too far. And for the love of God, STOP SINGING YOUR BLOODY NAME. Just look what happened to Craig David.

6. Nicole Scherzinger – Right There
Becoming one of the most loathed women on television thanks to her many X Factor USA misfires, ol’ Shitsinger’s popularity is taking quite a plummet lately, and yet, her musical output is still the worst thing about her. Right There was a desperate stab at Rihanna-style sluttiness, grinding away scuzzily, rhyming ‘dirty’ with ‘dirty’, and all stuffed to the gills with cod-Patois.

5. Yasmin - Finish Line
A song with so little substance it barely even exists. It’s mad that a producer actually finished this beige puddle and thought “Hey, that’s pretty good.” Or that a label executive thought it single material. Or that DJs considered it worth playing. Even with its peculiar nod to Mortal Kombat , it was the single most boring track since Sixpence None The Richer shat their sappy Christian crud all over the charts.

4. SBTRKT – Wildfire
Actually not a million miles from Finish Line in that it’s pretty much a lukewarm cesspool of swilling ad-libs and R&B clichés, but its constant overplay on 6Music was the final nail in its coffin. As producers, SBTRKT certainly know how to work a mixing desk, but somewhere along the line, they got very, very stoned and created this molten, miserable, slapdash non-entity of a song.

3. The Wanted - Glad You Came
Proving that All Time Low was (a) very much a one-off, and (b) way too good for them, The Wanted continue in their quest – even in the presence of One Direction – to become Britain’s most pointless boyband. The foolish Balearic squelch of Glad You Came was utterly devoid of character, and urinated all over the very concept of house music. Well done, all parties involved. *slow clap*

2. Adele - Rumour Has It
Rolling In The Deep just missed out on a place in our countdown of undesirables, on account of it sounding like a particularly violent yawn, but the insipid Rumour Has It manages the feat. Adele’s actually gone up in our estimations this year, but the complete lack of chorus here cannot be excused. One can only assume this was written on the back of a fag packet in five minutes one hungover morning.

1. Rihanna - What's My Name
Technically released in 2010 – but then, technically, it’s not even actual music – this discharge-splattered, dishwater-dull, airplay-rapist of a track lived well into 2011, polluting airwaves with its abysmal lyrics, its teeth-grinding hook and its general Rihanna-ness. And while the woman herself carries much of the blame, radio, TV and press should be ashamed of themselves, consistently peddling this useless creature’s atrocious output, irrespective of quality. If pop music really is dying on its arse, it’s down to fucking inexcusable tripe like this being put on a pedestal.

The Sloppy Dog's Best of 2011: Singles

With Christmas fast approaching, it's time for the annual tradition of both kissing arse and kicking arse, as we unveil the Bestest and Worstest of the past 12 months. We begin on a positive, with the greatest singles the year has had to offer. Ordinarily we have difficulty whitting down a lengthy list of singles to a definitive ten, but 2011 has been a sorely barren year for new music. Decent new music, at least. In fact, even finding a worthy ten has been a bit of a struggle. But the struggle was worth it, as we’ve come up with a list of good ‘uns...

10. Two Door Cinema Club – Something Good Can Work
Starting us off are a band whose debut album received many a spin and a place on our Best Albums list of 2010, so it’s little surprise Two Door Cinema Club are back to fill a spot this year. Something Good Can Work married a near-calypso rhythm with good ol’ indie foundations for yet another example of Bangor's finest.

9. Morning Parade - A&E
Battering many an earphone back in February were Morning Parade, with the burning, intense A&E, a dancefloor-directed indie-rock hymn. And as if it weren’t vigorous enough in its original guise, A&E spun off an onslaught of intriguing remixes, prompting even the most stubborn of B-sides purists to concede the brilliance.

8. Manic Street Preachers - Postcards From A Young Man
One of the stand-out cuts from the 2010 album of the same name, the crashing riffs and lavish strings of Postcards From A Young Man proved the Manics’ best is far from behind them. And, as previously documented on these pages, the slight parallels with Melanie C’s Northern Star gives ‘em a few bonus points and all.

7. David Cook - The Last Goodbye
Ordinarily, such an unashamedly wholesome slice of radio-friendly American Pie wouldn’t go down too well round these parts, but the instantaneous melodies and colossal chorus of The Last Goodbye proved impossible to resist. A terminally uncool display of grown-up power-pop it may be, but in a world of increasing music snobbery, that only heightens its appeal.

6. Glasvegas - Shine Like Stars
Second album EUPHORIC /// HEARTBREAK \\\ proved Glasvegas were no one-trick ponies. And heading up the new direction was Shine Like Stars – soaring, emotive vocals over a bed of subtle, twinkly electronica which gives way to a thundering wall of drums and guitars. So good we can even overlook the album title’s absolutely fucking ludicrous use of punctuation.

5. Summer Camp – Down
A cyclical, captivating gem that soundtracked a long, dreary Autumn and made it that bit more bearable. An uptempo yet refrigerated indie pop anthem-in-the-making, Down was the perfect introduction to Summer Camp (complete with ingenious video) and shines a light on the duo as something worth getting rather excited about for 2012.

4. Nicola Roberts - Lucky Day
The melancholic charm of Lucky Day made for an intelligent, spellbinding (and unfortunately, criminally underrated) portion of classy pop from a singer whose time in the spotlight was long overdue. Let’s hope if and when Girls Aloud eventually reform, we get to hear a bit less Clubcard Coyle, and a whole lot more of this.

3. Miles Kane - Rearrange
Uplifting indie with a dash of darkness and a splendid Sixties overtone, Rearrange proved to be one of 2011’s most addictive tracks. Plucked from a similarly impressive album (more on that in our Best Albums list), Rearrange underlined Miles Kane as a formidable talent above and beyond that of his various band memberships.

2. Guillemots - The Basket
Fyfe Dangerfield provided us with the album of 2010 a year ago in the form of Fly Yellow Moon, and he’s kept the momentum going, regrouping with Guillemots for one of this year’s greatest albums, and from it, one of this year’s greatest singles. Daring, energetic and compulsive, The Basket’s thunderous beats and speeding falsetto may have been relatively new ground for Guillemots, but the results were truly exceptional.

1. The Vaccines - Post Break-Up Sex
And taking the crown is a balls-out tale of awkwardness, bitterness and remorse from the Vaccines, a band who’ve deservedly gained some serious momentum throughout 2011. To be able to turn such uncomfortable subject matter into such an enjoyable, addictive, and unorthodox rock anthem is the mark of something pretty special indeed, hence its position atop our countdown. In contrast, check back soon for the worst the year had to offer...

Single Reviews 04/12/11

This week’s Single Reviews is a surprisingly positive affair, which is a rare occurrence. It’s actually quite unsettling. Rest assured, we’ll be back to our usual bitter outlook before too long. No doubt with the X Factor final in sight, it won’t just be back, it’ll be coarser than ever. But for now, enjoy this brief moment of optimism. Just don’t get too used to it...

We begin with Katy Perry, who thankfully is keeping the smutty, unfunny innuendo to a minimum on the acceptably treacly The One That Got Away. If you can overlook the “I’m-really-credible-honest” references to Johnny Cash and Radiohead, and unintentionally hilarious video, it’s actually a pleasing few minutes of midtempo melancholy that far outshines her seemingly endless torrent of cheesy underage disco fodder.

In the wake of the Westlife split, there’ll be a fair few surplus key changes knocking about the music industry – but fear not, as Beyoncé has used literally all of them in Love On Top. Go on, count ‘em, there’s like 19 or something. But it makes for a big, commanding track in what starts life as a fairly bland 80s soul offering, so kudos for managing to keep our attention and create what’s actually quite the head-turner.

We’re not big ol’ fans of re-releases round these parts, but five years (give or take a couple of months) is probably an acceptable amount of time between stabs at the chart, plus this take on Rosé is a reworked version, so we can forgive The Feeling. Stripped back to just piano and strings, it’s a more modest yet significantly more dramatic arrangement, and proves itself as a stunning piece of music the band have yet to top.

And we round things off with Example, who grits his teeth for the expressive dubstep of Midnight Run. It’s heavy but melodic, and does a good job in managing to convey such an intense level of sentiment over such busy beats, with the rap breakdown adding another dimension to proceedings. Tough competition on this particular round-up, but Midnight Run is a well-deserved Single of the Week.

Single Reviews 27/11/11

Well hello! Welcome to this week’s Single Reviews, in which we lay into the new offerings from an R&B gobshite whose output is 75% him singing his own name; 2011’s new darling of the most uninspired airwaves; an indie band more pop than most pop bands; and a honking, horsefaced dullard from a reality show that’s well and truly jumped the shark. Shit, hope we’re not doubling up on what they’re covering in Newsnight Review later...?

Next up, a woman so dull she makes Leona Lewis seem like an explosion of hyperactive Fraggles at a Scissor Sisters concert on the Moon, the beyond dreary Rebecca Ferguson. Her X Factor performances and her personality left a hell of a lot to be desired, a pattern repeated in her debut single, Nothing’s Real But Love. A yawnsome, slippery puddle of a ballad, devoid of a beginning, middle or end, and arguably bereft of any kind of tune. Nauseatingly, unforgivably bland.

Single of the Week goes to The Wombats, who present another clipping from This Modern Glitch, on this occasion the more-than-passable 1996. The melancholic synth hum and modest melody make for a slightly darker, calmer affair, one that works rather nicely. Perhaps it’s not the most exciting example of their output, but it’s a nice contrast to some of the noisier end of their catalogue, and the rousing chant that closes proceedings underlines it as classic Wombat goodness.

Christina Perri has a hard time ahead of her, presumably hoping that new single Arms will get even the slightest modicum of interest in the wake of the increasingly-colossal Jar of Hearts. It offers up something fairly different to its predecessor though, launching into a pulsing, fem-rock ballad midway through, bearing the kind of production you’d expect-slash-hope from an aloof, emo Bonnie Tyler, and more than a hint of staying power.

And finally, Jason Derulo, a man whose peculiar choice of samples is on the verge of outdoing both Cher Lloyd and JLS. This time, it’s Toto’s Africa which gets mutated into an overproduced, bubbling midtempo monstrosity, going by the name Fight For You. Take away the wee bursts of tribal chatter and it’s like a How To in R&B clichés, as though it were composed via Taio Cruz-branded wordplay refrigerator magnets.

Emmy The Great & Tim Wheeler (Infectious) - This Is Christmas

It’s hard not to get your Scrooge on when you hear All I Want For Christmas Is You for the millionth time. Even the jolliest of elves must surely groan at the same tired standards spun again and again. So it’s always a welcome sight when a contemporary artist embarks on a Christmas project, particularly when the likes of The Killers and The Boy Least Likely To have achieved it with such aplomb.

So imagine our excitement when arguably one of the greatest songwriters of the past 20 years, Tim Wheeler, announced his plans for a Christmas album alongside singer-songwriter Emmy The Great. With Ash on hiatus, an offering from Wheeler in any guise is a blessing. That said, This Is Christmas doesn’t sound like an Ash record – but why should it? It’s a Christmas album first and foremost, and thus, making an album for Christmas is its only objective. Fun is very much on the agenda here, and if titles such as Jesus The Reindeer don’t convey that, then the content certainly will.

Marshmallow World is every bit as daft, merry and eggnog-fuelled as any version that’s come before it, while Home For The Holidays could well have been recorded by Same Difference with little altered. And that’s certainly no bad thing – This Is Christmas summons up a joyfulness that even the cheesiest of pop acts would shun these days in pursuit of that elusive Radio 1 playlist spot.

The result? An album full of high points. Snowflakes marries synth and sleigh bells for a starry-eyed, 80s-tastic ballad; (Don’t Call Me) Mrs Christmas is a 60s girl group swingalong with a dash or two of rock sensibilities; and the addictive, inventive Zombie Christmas makes for an unlikely, yet superb, yuletide ditty for the 21st Century.

Just as Ash’s new-single-every-fortnight project saw them add some startlingly different new classics to their catalogue outside the constraints of an album, the gimmick aspect of a Christmas record also throws up similar opportunities. So while This Is Christmas might not quite unveil a genre-defining anthem, it shuns all ideas of credibility or marketability or developing a ‘now’ sound. Such details have no place on an album where unadulterated, unpretentious fun takes centre stage, and it benefits from it greatly. The merriment is that much more merry, the romance that bit more romantic. Call it corny if you want, but it’s a Christmas album, not just by nature, but very much in spirit.

Single Reviews 20/11/11

Thank you for popping along to peruse this week’s Single Reviews, but alas, we are in mourning, so don’t expect any of them to be particularly positive. Then again, are they ever? But we digress. The BBC, in all their wisdom, have chosen to axe Shooting Stars. Apparently, there’s no room for comedy panel shows on BBC Two anymore (in a week where they announce a new one, and pilot another). Well done, Auntie. You’re really justifying that licence fee lately. *slow clap*

Britney Spears leads the pack this week with Criminal, a welcome venture away from her mechanical McHouse tedium. The nasal twang is unmistakeable, but it’s one of her less predictable offerings in recent years. From its peculiar hey-nonny-nonny intro to its midtempo strum to its understated chorus, it’s pretty different within the sphere of Britney. And yet, not really worth getting too excited about outside of said sphere.

Next under the proverbial microscope are Kasabian, who serve up another helping of the ludicrously-titled Velociraptor! in the guise of Re-wired. The intro offers up the suggestion of a slice of dirty, nonchalant rock, a promise made good once the monstrous chorus sinks its jagged teeth in. It doesn’t quite stand up to the peaks of their catalogue, but functions rather well on its own. Now, if they could just ease up on the superfluous punctuation...

Single of the Week goes to Emeli Sande ft Naughty Boy, with the dark, despairing greatness of Daddy. There are shades of Duffy in her voice here, which is no bad thing, particularly since we lost the original to The Curse of the Second Album (and, of course, THAT Diet Coke ad). But it’s the elegantly-trippy production that really sets her apart, and sets her up for what can only be Adele-level sales in 2012.

And we wrap up with Kelly Rowland, a woman whose business card once read Professional Second Fiddle. Oh, how things have changed. Now she’s star of the show on UK shores thanks to some talent show or something, but Down For Whatever sadly doesn’t move on from the Clubland clichés she’s become mistress of over the past few years. As great as she is on the X Factor panel, it seems musically she’s at her best when stood ten feet behind Beyoncé.

Single Reviews 06/11/11

Welcome to this week’s Single Reviews, in which we not only lay into a selection of the week’s new releases, but also take the opportunity to celebrate the 15th birthday of Spice, the fucking magnificent debut album from the Spice Girls. Bear in mind we’re overlooking Mama when we say ‘magnificent’. But hey, Love Thing more than redresses the balance. Happy Birthday Spice, and a huge thank you to Woolworths on Streatham High Road for providing us with such iconic pop awesomeness (may you rest in peace).

A modest, jovial offering from The Kooks opens proceedings this week, a summery burst of radio-indie much needed in the barren, chilly darkness of GMT. Early listens would suggest Junk of the Heart commands two thumbs up - its simplicity and unpretentiousness make for a plus point on the surface, but further exposure highlights that there’s not much to the song beyond that. So we’ll downgrade it to just the one thumb up, with a side of “well, it’ll do”.

Sort-of-birthday-girl-ish Melanie C makes another push for her sorely-underperforming fifth LP The Sea, with the mature demi-ballad Weak. With its dramatic, emotive sounds and its strong Scandinavian melodies, it makes for a more-than-passable album track, but somehow falls down in its new guise as a single. Perhaps her rather vocal fanbase had a point when they called for Burn to be released. Maybe they should’ve done it more politely...

Having produced the worst record of their career thus far in the shape of the braindead She Makes Me Wanna, it’s time for JLS to head back to safer territory. Take A Chance On Me does the trick with ease, all earnest harmonies and ensnaring refrains and twinkly piano moments. Even though it has hordes of parallels with that whole With You /Tattoo / Irreplaceable crop, it’s still less derivative than She Makes Me Wanna, and nestles down for the Christmas market very nicely.

And finally, Single of the Week is awarded to Hackney/Wexford one-man mash-up and peddler of nu-blue-eyed soul Maverick Sabre. It takes a while before the enchantment of I Need fully takes hold, all jittery vocals backed by a straight-down-the-line shuffle. And truth be told, he still sounds like an Amy Winehouse vinyl played at the wrong speed, but given a bit of effort, something pretty special indeed reveals itself.

Single Reviews 30/10/11

Welcome to this week’s Single Reviews, in a week in which the Syco machine was well and truly floored by a miniscule charity after attempts to steamroller over them backfired horribly; a week in which fans mourned the Westlife split; a week in which Chris Moyles’ listener figures took yet another dive. Sometimes, a nice bit of schadenfreude does a world of good.

Ah, 2000. The year that the Toploader album Onka’s Big Moka got a good few more spins round these parts than it was probably deserving of. The folly of youth and all that. Eleven years on, and they’re still hard at it, albeit on the other side of a long hiatus, with new single She Said. In fairness, it’s a definite progression from the pub garden indie of yore, a harder-edged but tuneful affair. Quite what its point is at this moment remains to be seen, but it’s hard to find fault with.

Beyoncé thankfully follows on from the most boring single of her career – the truly wearisome Best Thing I Never Had – with something far more fitting. Countdown is infectious, kittenish, bouncy, and almost functions as one long chorus. In essence, it’s Single Ladies Pt 2, and that’s no bad thing. Beyoncé can now proudly add a Single of the Week to her mantelpiece full of nice shiny Grammys. That’s assuming Countdown’s actually a single, and not just yet another random Beyoncé album track given a video and serviced to radio.

Another act papering over their previous release is Cher Lloyd, although let’s face it, she’s got a much harder job after the aural genocide that was Swagger Jagger. It was probably seemed a good move – get people talking, then swoop in with a far superior follow-up and change opinion ahead of the album release. Problem is, the playful pop of With Ur Love doesn’t pack much clout. But it does feel very much a Cher Lloyd record – whether you like her or not, she’s carving out a true niche for herself.

And rounding off proceedings is Shake It Off, the decidedly average launch single to (attempt to) herald the return of Florence & The Machine. The huge, affirmative chant of a chorus goes some way to making a statement, and the shuffling, elegant production carries its own merits. But it all feels strangely derivative, and not quite the impact an artist needs when they’re already branded with the style-over-substance marker.

Matt Cardle - Letters (Sony)

In 2006, when Take That appeared on the final of The X Factor as guest performers alongside soon-to-be-winner Leona Lewis, Gary Barlow bravely called out Simon Cowell in front of millions of viewers, telling him he had a responsibility to create an album worthy of her talents. Cowell, perhaps surprisingly, obliged.

So it’s frustrating that he seems to have forgotten this sage recommendation ahead of the release of Letters, the debut album from deserving 2010 winner Matt Cardle. And it’s all the more frustrating that Barlow himself was responsible for launch single Run For Your Life, a drippy, overindulgent ballad and an instant turn-off as far as the album is concerned.

And aside from a question of quality, Run For Your Life is also very much a red herring, with Letters overall displaying a far more interesting and intelligent offering than its lead single would have you believe. Granted, Letters was never going to be anything groundbreaking, and it was obvious the Pearl Jam enthusiast within Cardle would be all but silenced. But, as a grand pop album with quietly plausible rock leanings, it ticks the box with some conviction.

It’s commercial enough to satiate both the horny housefrau demographic that voted for him in their millions, and the everyman market who’ll sheepishly download it in between pretending they genuinely like the Kaiser Chiefs. But there’s also a certain musicality present which reveals the artist at the heart of it, even if it isn’t laid fully bare in this particular setting.

That said, the unprocessed, orchestral Beat of a Breaking Heart goes a good part of the way there; and even taking Letters for its surface merits, Cardle boasts an enormous vocal and an admirable control, best displayed on the lukewarm-but-likeable All For Nothing, or the genuinely impressive anthemic indie of both Starlight and the title track.

So, that’s Letters. It’s no game-changer; it’s reliable; it’s listenable; and it’s got the raw materials to do great things. But ahead of being any of that, it’s a bombardment of tracks that would have made a better choice of first single than the tepid whimper of Run For Your Life. As cruel as it sounds, getting dropped would be the best thing that could happen to Matt Cardle. While his suicidal trudge through the promotional trail suggests his heart’s not in it, Letters itself denotes a spark of substantial talent. The gift of freedom would turn that spark into something else altogether, away from the foolish decisions of a clumsy label, or a TV show that’s fast becoming its own worst enemy.

Single Reviews 09/10/11

Greetings, yo. Apologies we didn’t get to do an X Factor liveblog last night, but alas, prior engagements made it impossible. Thanks to the hundreds (‘both’) of you that enquired, though. For the record, Misha nailed it, followed by Sami, Craig and, in spite of our hatred of Frankenbands, The Risk did a sterling job. The judges will have a tough time deciding who to cut – how can they limit it to one act each when so many were shite? Ah well. Here’s the Single Reviews...

On the subject of The X Factor, deserving winner and legitimate talent he may be, but debut single Run For Your Life is giving 2010 champ Matt Cardle the limpest, lamest start possible. Granted, it’s not quite Sacred Trust, and the colossal chorus does claw back some points, but the feeble verses, spate of clichés and a video where he looks like he wants to kill himself don’t amount to a very effective launchpad. Looks like The X Factor’s track record of bollocksing up the careers of their male winners remains intact.

Doing his bestest impression of Justin Timberlake is one-time Nu-Hansoner and sexless Disney mascot Joe Jonas. However, the squeaky siblings and bushy JoFro have been ditched in favour of a slick, overpolished R’n’B backdrop and expensive stylist. In fact, everything about Just In Love screams I AM MANHOOD. It’s certainly progression from The Jonas Brothers, but the lazy melody and clichéd beats mean he’ll have to work a bit harder to truly turn heads as a soloist.

Scoring a Single of the Week all of two seconds into their career are Stoke-on-Trent indie advocates All The Young. Whether they’ll succeed in a sea of braindead dance-pop is unlikely, but Quiet Night In champions the kind of instantaneous rock the charts are sorely bereft of. It may not be forging a whole new genre, and frontman Ryan Dooley has more than a touch of the Guy Garveys, but the vigour, bounce and musicality make All The Young a welcome prospect round thisaway.

And finally, the combination of Gym Class Heroes and Adam Levine makes for a frightening prospect – two artists who each produce music it’s really not ok to like, but which more often than not prompts more than a foot-tap. Thankfully, Stereo Hearts doesn’t boast the same kind of guilty witchcraft found in the likes of Millionaire or Moves Like Jagger. The post-chorus hook with its stop-start strings deserves some kudos, but otherwise, it’s all lumpy metaphors and bland rapping. Nothing to see here, folks. As you were.