Sunday, April 27, 2008

Single Reviews 28/04/08

We begin this week’s Single Reviews with an Official Sloppy Dog Health Warning. It has emerged this week, through extensive research here at Sloppy Dog HQ, that playing Mario Kart Wii can induce perilous fits of rage, resulting in the Wii Wheel being embedded in your TV screen and/or someone’s skull. We care about you, readers. Don’t let a stray red shell ruin your life.

Starting us off this week are Brit & Alex, effectively the Sweet Valley High twins with dummy mics. The semi-beige, R&B-lite debut Let It Go is heaving with big Dallas Austin-y synths, yet it can’t detract from the bland, session musician style vocals. All well and good for shifting units of Sheer Blonde, but unlikely to dent many a chart. Next!

Having already gifted us with one of the year’s greatest singles thus far, One Night Only make an ever-welcome appearance at The Sloppy Dog. Unfortunately, It’s About Time doesn’t quite display the candour, maturity and overall magnificence of Just For Tonight, but is nevertheless the mark of a band deserving of the kind of music press gushage normally reserved for the fucking Arctic Spunkbubbles.

Next comes the unlikely pairing of Will.I.Am and Cheryl Cole. Given the Peas’ inability to craft anything halfway decent since Shut Up – solo, band or otherwise – it’ll come as quite a surprise to see Heartbreaker claim our Single of the Week. Achieving new levels of catchiness, we can only attest this track’s guilty greatness to the presence of Cheryl, even if she did seemingly phone in her contribution.

Last up is a woman as annoying as she is unaesthetic, with a track as pointless as it is lame. Admittedly, Robyn went to great lengths to excuse her wishy-washy R&B past via the stunning With Every Heartbeat, but each successive single only serves to dilute that good work further. Who’s That Girl is no exception, not least for its grating lack of question mark. Sort out your grammar, love. Then your eyebrows.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Single Reviews 21/04/08

We thought we’d get a bit more done around these parts this week, but sadly every chance we’ve had to do any form of writing has been dedicated to reviewing the new Tindersticks album for another website. Who’d have thought we’d have such difficulty finding a diplomatic way to say it’s the dullest, most depressing heap of badger-spunk ever to disgrace our ears? Thankfully, the Single Reviews require no such diplomacy…

First in the firing line (and let’s face it, it’s not a target you’d miss easily) is the miserable sack that answers to Adele, with thankfully a track that pisses over her vile, hateful Chasing Pavements. The comparably outstanding Cold Shoulder, although Mark Ronson by numbers, provides a far more agreeable showcase for an impressive voice. And yet, in the bigger picture, it’s still largely unremarkable. Long way to go yet, love. Looooong way.

Without You is the second offering from The Feeling’s slow-burn gem Join With Us. A pleasantly pensive ditty, it’s a perfect follow-on from the frenetic farm-giveaway of I Thought It Was Over. And although you may be sick of us griping about the nonsensical semi-Americanised pronunciation, we’re even sicker of hearing it. Apparently, it’s raining haRRRRd in Nawth Veh-ginia.

As the owner of what is arguably one of the most distinctive and identifiable voices in modern music, Sia is always going to receive the red carpet treatment here at The Sloppy Dog. So it’ll come as no surprise that The Girl You Lost scoops our Single of the Week. Stomping piano leading a largely Sixties swing, it may be a far cry from her unique brand of wistful chillout hymns, but it works magnificently. How global superstardom has evaded this woman is a mystery.

And lastly, The Wombats could do with taking their lead from Sia’s example, and stepping outside the box now and again. Mind you, while it may have sizeable sniffs of their previous singles, it’s otherwise difficult to fault Backfire at the Disco. Hugely catchy, heavy on personality, and above all, entertaining, we can forgive the soundalike aspect quite easily.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Single Reviews 14/04/08

Oops. Yes, another week has passed without one measly update, and we can only apologise. We could probably start cutting and pasting the same apology every fortnight really, but we’re striving to get our shit together. This week’s excuse – a trip to Ireland which did not allow ample time to conduct any form of online bitchery. Soz and all that.

Opening the Single Reviews this week is a behemoth of a collaboration on paper, yet a mushy heap of roadkill in practice. Madonna and Justin Timberlake team up for the preachy, obtuse 4 Minutes, a song so contrived and calculated, each time Timberwank sycophantically sings the word “Madonna”, you can’t help but think he’s fighting the urge to sing “McDonalds”.

Having collaborated with both of the aforementioned (one musically, one squelchily – although after that VMA kiss, that’s questionable), the serial car-crash that is Britney Spears manages a third single from Blackout in the form of Break The Ice. Nowhere close to Piece of Me, it’s a significant drop in both quality and personality, yet still far greater than 4 Minutes, which must be some form of compensation at least.

Single of the Week is bestowed upon Scouting For Girls, with the cheerfully infectious Heartbeat. It’s strange that after just a handful of singles, they’ve already cemented themselves with such a determinable sound, although a pessimist could justifiably claim this just means it all sounds the same. Nonetheless, Heartbeat is an endearing, memorable ditty that might just help paper over She’s So Lovely. (Actually... no, it’s not that good.)

And we close with the most pointless re-release in the history of recorded sound, although it feels like we’ve awarded that title to pretty much every re-release in the history of The Sloppy Dog. Toca’s Miracle 2008, a barely discernible re-jig of the 2000 chart-topper, offers precisely fuck-all (new or otherwise), and should be avoided at all costs. Shame on you, Fragma. Although, it is a reminder that chesty vocal-troll Coco was evidently the blueprint for Fergie…
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