Saturday, April 12, 2008

Single Reviews 14/04/08

Oops. Yes, another week has passed without one measly update, and we can only apologise. We could probably start cutting and pasting the same apology every fortnight really, but we’re striving to get our shit together. This week’s excuse – a trip to Ireland which did not allow ample time to conduct any form of online bitchery. Soz and all that.

Opening the Single Reviews this week is a behemoth of a collaboration on paper, yet a mushy heap of roadkill in practice. Madonna and Justin Timberlake team up for the preachy, obtuse 4 Minutes, a song so contrived and calculated, each time Timberwank sycophantically sings the word “Madonna”, you can’t help but think he’s fighting the urge to sing “McDonalds”.

Having collaborated with both of the aforementioned (one musically, one squelchily – although after that VMA kiss, that’s questionable), the serial car-crash that is Britney Spears manages a third single from Blackout in the form of Break The Ice. Nowhere close to Piece of Me, it’s a significant drop in both quality and personality, yet still far greater than 4 Minutes, which must be some form of compensation at least.

Single of the Week is bestowed upon Scouting For Girls, with the cheerfully infectious Heartbeat. It’s strange that after just a handful of singles, they’ve already cemented themselves with such a determinable sound, although a pessimist could justifiably claim this just means it all sounds the same. Nonetheless, Heartbeat is an endearing, memorable ditty that might just help paper over She’s So Lovely. (Actually... no, it’s not that good.)

And we close with the most pointless re-release in the history of recorded sound, although it feels like we’ve awarded that title to pretty much every re-release in the history of The Sloppy Dog. Toca’s Miracle 2008, a barely discernible re-jig of the 2000 chart-topper, offers precisely fuck-all (new or otherwise), and should be avoided at all costs. Shame on you, Fragma. Although, it is a reminder that chesty vocal-troll Coco was evidently the blueprint for Fergie…

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