Friday, December 17, 2010

The Sloppy Dog's Worst of 2010: Singles

Regrettably, there’s been a serious influx of appalling music this year, making this list quite the challenge. Counting themselves lucky are McFly with the awkwardly grim Party Girl; Pixie Lott’s beyond-irrelevant Turn It Up; the clunky Let’s Go Surfing by The Drums; the exasperating Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey, which although 29 years old, was inescapable in 2010; that shit-caked excuse of a Robbie/Gary duet; plus a torrent of sell-out McGrime, any number of anonymous dance ‘tunes’ and a whole cornucopia of forgettable wank from serial singles-churner-outer Rihanna. But let’s focus on the worst offenders...

10. Yolanda Be Cool vs D Cup – We No Speak Americano
Christ, even seeing this shit written down is depressing. The artist name and track name just scream out “faceless novelty Ibiza cuntery”, don’t they? Somehow this abomination scaled the chart back in July and August, and has since been used as a soundbed on what feels like every TV show ever broadcast. Come back, The Ketchup Song, all is forgiven.

9. Duffy – Well Well Well
“Duffy is crap,” we used to hear uttered from many a gob. “No, she’s not,” we would reply. “Yes she is, she can’t sing!” would come the retort. “No! She CAN sing! Mercy is a tune! As is Rain On Your Parade!” we would argue back, and continue thusly until the argument was won. Then we heard the shrill, shudder-inducing titular hook of Well Well Well. *Om nom nom humble pie nom nom*

8. The Midnight Beast – Booty Call
One of the worst things to grace our ears this year was Harry Hill’s I Wanna Baby, which we chose to discount from the list as it was clearly ‘comedy’ over music. If only The Midnight Beast (essentially 3OH!3 with a bit more awareness) had defined the dire Booty Call as clearly – marketed and serviced as a single, yet it’s hard to believe it’s not a joke. An unfunny one.

7. 3OH!3 – My First Kiss
And as if by magic, here are the US blueprints themselves. While we’ve come to recognise Ke$ha as an unashamed scutterfest whose’s carved out her own filthy niche, 3OH!3 remain a pair of hapless fraternity chancers hiccupping their way through a record deal, demonstrated by the fumbling, goofy, grating My First Kiss. Seriously, what do these ass-hats think when they listen back to this shit?

6. Lady Gaga – Alejandro
Once again, the supposed charms of this lumpen, publicity-courting tranny fail to bewitch us, unlike the rest of the globe. At least Telephone and Bad Romance held an understandable appeal, but Alejandro was a washed-out, unoriginal, Ace-of-Base-a-like Eurocheese disaster, demonstrating Lady Gaga’s style/substance ratio is way off-kilter.

5. Mark Ronson and the Business International – The Bike Song
The awesome Bang Bang Bang very nearly made it into our best singles list, making Ronson’s choice of follow-up single as confusing as it is shit. Irksome, childish and pointless, plus the subject matter and the iffy dye job made the whole thing feel like a Boris Johnson love-in, which conjures up all kinds of disgusting images requiring a good rinse with brain bleach.

4. Alexandra Burke – Start Without You
We do like Alexandra Burke round these parts, but there was no getting away from the fact Start Without You was a steaming turd of unfathomable proportions. There are many ways in which to describe Start Without You – a mutant playground skipping rhyme; a hideous rip-off of Iko Iko; bearer of 2010’s worst video... but 'ear-burningly bad' should cover all bases just fine.

3. Scouting For Girls – Famous
Perennial filler-outers of many a ‘Worst’ list, Scouting For Girls returned this year to funnel more toxic waste into the ears of the nation. Famous was a hilariously bad attempt at social commentary, with typically babyish lyrics and the same tired hook they churn out with each song. Moaning about fame-chasers is fair enough, but surely attaining fame for being monumentally shit is far worse?

2. Katy Perry feat. Snoop Dogg – California Gurls
Perhaps even worse than the truly execrable I Kissed A Girl, the slippery media-strumpet made her comeback with the deplorable California Gurls, purveyor of some of the year’s worst lyrics, a video almost as poor as the aforementioned Start Without You, provider of Snoop Dogg’s ultimate shark-jumping moment, and, in spite of what Perry clearly thinks of herself, about as sexy as an oily titwank from Gillian McKeith.

1. Black Eyed Peas – The Time (Dirty Bit)
And just pipping Katy Perry at the very last second is the aural abortion currently and inexplicably sitting at the top of the charts, The Time (Dirty Bit), which presumably has Patrick Swayze spinning in his grave with such velocity it could power the entire West Coast of the United States. The Black Eyed Peas have always been a strange hybrid of terrible and amazing – in fact, Boom Boom Pow muscled its way into our Top 10 singles of last year – but with this inexcusable detonation of diarrhoea, any previous appeal is crudely shat upon and set alight, as they spiral all the way into just plain evil. EVIL.

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