Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Sloppy Dog Liveblog: Celebrity Big Brother 2011

Well, who'd have thunk we'd be liveblogging the start of a brand new series of Celebrity Big Brother? Yes, after its 'final' series on Channel 4 last summer, here it is, back one channel up the spectrum with a shiny new house, a shiny-faced new host, and a big ol' tabloid monster behind the scenes weaving his publicity-generating sorcery. Hit refresh for updates as we find out who's going in...

So what differences will Channel 5 present us with? We'd hazard a guess at fuckloads of ad breaks, but aside from that, it's all there as we know it - Marcus Bentley, baying crowd, bells and whistles. And of course, a lack of Davina McCall, but that's no bad thing. Except for the fact that in her place is Brian Dowling. DAVINA, COME BACK!! WE MISS YOU, YOU BIASED OLD HARRIDAN!!!

And here's Brian himself, looking marginally less like Eamonn Holmes than when he entered the Ultimate Big Brother House last year. His voice is shaky. Understandable. Mind you, he did two years of live television when presenting SMTV, so maybe he's actually better-equipped than you might think. That said, he also topped up his live telly experience with The Vault, so the less said, the better.

And we have our first housemate! Kerry Katona, looking rather like Sarah Harding mid-facelift, is entering to the strains of Swagger Jagger. Are they trying to whip the crowd into a wheezing pit of venom?! Well, even more so, anyway.

They're giving half the presenting duties over to the disembodied voice of Marcus Bentley. Wise choice. Meanwhile, Kerry is mooching around the house on her own with her shoes off, pondering whether to open a bottle of champagne. Not such a wise choice.

And next in is Tara Reid, who in her VT looks like Christina Aguilera pre-Dirrty. Is that a theme tonight? Making dog-rough celebrities look like popstars before they went hideous? There's also a flash of her American Pie co-star Thomas Ian Nicholas, whose name always induced a few chuckles. Any more first names you could chuck in there, mate?

Hmmm. She seems a tad less coherent as Brian tries to squeeze a few words out of her. Let's hope she's a bit more interesting once she's in the house. With any luck, Kerry won't have guzzled all the champagne just yet. Unlikely, but.

"I'm Kerreh!"
Bonnuh lives on! Everyfin and everyfin!

Poor Brian. He's staring at the autocue like it's a Weeping Angel.

And we have our third housemate. It's a guy from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Genuinely NO IDEA.

Apparently he's called Paddy Docherty. He is entirely unintelligible. God help the subtitling team with this one. And if the late rumours of Nadine Coyle entering the show are in any way true, they'll have to quadruple their manpower. Mind you, they coped alright with Jackie Stallone...

Anyone who thought the move to Channel 5 would mean a house resembling a God-awful hipster commune in Shoreditch with milk-crates for furniture is nom-nom-nomming a hefty portion of humble pie right about now. Even the stairs are awesome. THE STAIRS.

Next in is Amy Childs, who was grown in a Petri dish using a trace of fanny batter from one of Jordan's discarded catsuits. She is the utter pinnacle of irrelevance.

Amy and Kerry seem to know each other. Tara points out that Amy talks very highly. Paddy is saying something but just sounds as though he's gargling with gravel.

Wonder what's happening on Torchwood? Poor Dr Juarez. :o(

Darryn Lyons, self-styled Mr Paparazzi, is the next 'celebrity' in. It's all well and good sneering at the low-level talent they've rounded up for this series, but seriously, the Channel 4 series had some housemates far less deserving of a celebrity status. Faria Alam, anyone?

Back to Darryn, and he's getting a rather chilly reception. He's entering the house to Dirty Picture, which is rather apt - not just because it relates to his industry, but because he looks like something Ke$ha would skin and wear as a cape for her Good Morning America performance.

Tara recognises Darryn Lyons from somewhere. Presumably from some sort of coverage of the Royal Wedding, though it actually came out as "I... er... saw you... on Princess William! It was about you!"

Next up, some wife of a politician or something who claims she hasn't told her husband she's going in. Riiiight. Either she's a liar, or her stuff is being furiously loaded into bin-liners as we speak.

Oooh, Someone's Wife Sally has just had a pop at The Daily Mail. She's our favourite so far. If only we knew who she was.

Oh good Lord. I've finally witnessed that Haribo ad everyone's going on about. END IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

Are you freakin' kidding me? Yer one out of Waterloo Road?

Apparently his name is Lucien Laviscount, which makes him sound like an end-level boss in Castlevania. The crowd is making big oestrogen whoops at him, thus cementing him as the most likely winner thus far.

The blank expressions from all the housemates on meeting Lucien is priceless. Except Tara, whose expression is no less confused than when she stepped foot on the walkway 45 minutes ago.

And next in the house, all the way from Baywatch, is Pamela....... BACH! Oh. Somewhere in Endemol Towers, a celebrity booker is being given one hell of a bollocking about attention to detail.

Pamela is completely OFF HER TITS. If her kids were previously most embarrassed by that video of a drunken David Hasselhoff face-down in a vodka-fuelled stupor, they're about to discover a whole new level of parental humiliation.


No, seriously. Is there a single person in this world, apart from his own mother, that knows who this Bobby character is? He's entering the house to Moves Like Jagger, which is ironic as he's not much more than an inanimate waxwork. He asks Brian, "Who wouldn't like a house full of beautiful women?" - sadly, Brian passed up the chance to reply with "Me. I'm a massive gayer."

And the final housemate(s) is/are Jedward. So THIS is the crescendo? We sit through this line-up of plebs, expecting the Pamela Anderson/Charlie Sheen/Nadine Coyle pay-off, and the headline act is JEDWARD?

In fairness, they come across rather entertaining in their VT.

Scrap that. This shit gets real old real quick.

So, that's that. A truly sorry line-up, and a complete failure as far as guest booking is concerned. However, the proof of the pudding is in the clever editing and night after night scrutiny, so there's every chance this might turn out to be the most entertaining series of Celebrity Big Brother yet. Let's face it, this lot have nothing to lose, so their inhibitions are already non-existent. But in terms of quality and production values, it looks slick, exciting and noisy for all the right reasons. And if nothing else, it bodes rather well for the regular Big Brother series.

But wait! Apparently there's a twist of some sort. Our money is on Makosi strutting in and declaring herself Empress of Elstree.

And here's the twist: Big Brother summons a housemate. Kerry Chipshop volunteers to go to the Diary Room, and is met with a corridor of mirrors. She only looks marginally baffled, which is understandable as it's probably what she sees when she's been snorting the Shake 'n' Vac anyway. She's been told she has to throw a diva strop as part of her secret task, to which her response is "fuck a duck" repeatedly. Well, it'd give the Daily Star something to fill its pages with.

Brian teases yet another twist for tomorrow night, there's a video recap of the housemates as the credits, and that is that. Big Brother, Channel 5 stylee. Thanks for joining us. A pleasant surprise in some respects; a crushing disappointment in others. But fear not - The X Factor starts in two days' time...

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