Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Sloppy Dog's Worst of 2012: Singles

It’s been the worst year for pop in living memory. Sad, but true. It’s everywhere, it’s of a staggeringly low quality, and nothing is challenging it. As a result, the worst ten singles of 2012 probably share quite a few entries with the biggest-selling singles of 2012. It should be noted, Rihanna’s only just missed out on a spot – luckily for her tawdry, tone-deaf self, the 233 singles she’s released this year have split the vote. Let’s begrudgingly take a look at those that did make our list…

10. Will.I.Am ft Mick Jagger and Jennifer Lopez - T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)
Props must go to one of the few videos this year with something resembling imagination (and a half-decent budget), but the song itself was an absolute embarrassment. Quite how Mick Jagger was roped into this is baffling, though the fact a friend of ours mistook him for Fatman Scoop sort of says it all.

9. Sam & The Womp - Bom Bom
Balkan beats smothered in mutagen, with added horns, monkey screeches and the most ludicrous lyrics since… well, several other songs on this countdown. The video only added to the catastrophe, proof that something awful can become even more awful when sung by someone violently ugly.

8. Lawson - Taking Over Me
Lawson emerged in 2012 peddling the sort of beige, irrelevant man-pop that you’d forget minutes after hearing it. Entirely unimaginative with piss-weak sentiment, Taking Over Me relied entirely on an irksome “ooh-ooh-ooh” hook, which somehow made it a success. Come back, BBMak, all is forgiven.

7. Conor Maynard – Vegas Girl
It was obvious the ever-predictable music industry would attempt to create a British Bieber, but no-one would’ve banked on it being a warty pre-pubescent from Brighton. The watered-down R&B of Vegas Girl is bad enough in itself, but his ‘acting’ in the video redefines the very meaning of cringeworthy.

6. Ellie Goulding - Anything Could Happen
You’d have thought getting all horizontal with Skrillex might have dirtied her up a bit, but Ellie Goulding returned more bland and insipid than ever. Anything Could Happen was some wistful, repetitive cooing over a dreary loop, all in all amounting to a woolly Night Nurse hangover.

5. Alyssa Reid - Alone Again
Mercifully, this track only just missed out on a UK Number One spot back in February, but we’ve made sure it’s gotten its dues here. An entirely pointless Heart cover, with all its emotion ripped out and replaced with reedy, almost unlistenable vocals. Another one for the one-hit wonder countdown.

4. Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
The first syllable of ‘country’ has never been so apt, and yet, this monstrosity saw Taylor Swift ditch the hee-haw genre for a serving of puerile, primary school awfulness. Like a Sweet Valley High parody in song form, it put a generally harmless artist well and truly on our shit-list.

3. Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know
As refreshing and surprising as it is to see a downbeat folk ditty break through the Rihannacentric industry to become the biggest track of the year, it’s a shame it had to be this one. Morose, moronic and maddening, this complete whingefest took all of two seconds to become wholly unbearable.

2. Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe
It’s depressing that something so offensively bad has managed to clock up over a million sales in the UK alone. Somehow, what could genuinely be the cheesiest song ever recorded (this shit makes S Club 7 sound like Philip Glass) became a global smash. Thankfully, her evil spell failed to infiltrate these quarters, and we can hear it for the genuine affront to pop music it really is.

1. Robbie Williams – Candy
Carly Rae Jepsen was the strong contender for the top spot this year, but she’s just (just) been pipped to the post by perennial resident of this list, Robbie Williams. We’d hoped Radio 1’s disdain for anyone over 25 might have a silver lining in a lack of success for Blobby, but alas, Candy was inescapable. A nursery rhymed raped and reshaped into an instrument of pure malevolence.

No comments:

Creative Commons Licence
The Sloppy Dog by is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.