Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Sloppy Dog's Worst of 2012: TV

Our annual beady eye over the year’s pop culture offerings has come around again, and we’re kicking things off on a sour note – it’s time to reveal 2012’s worst television.
It’s worth pointing out that it’s far easier to avoid a bad TV show than it is to avoid bad music, so this list isn’t so much a definitive ‘most unforgivably awful things broadcast this year’ rundown – these ones were just unfortunate enough to have our gaze fall upon them. (And, as ever, assume Jeremy Kyle is a permanent Number One.)

10. Glee
Not too long ago, Glee was an exciting and entertaining show – albeit heavy on the cheese. But even the star turn from Jane Lynch can’t save it. The introduction of the atrocious Glee Project winner Damian McGinty didn’t help matters, but it was the dire Christmas episode that proved to be the true shark-jumper. RIP Glee.

9. Merlin
Perhaps Merlin’s inclusion on the list isn’t entirely fair – it’s significantly better than all other shows listed here, and in fact, better than a great deal else. But its slow-moving nature, its build-up to sweet FA and its premature axing before any kind of payoff made for a horribly frustrating show. It’s literally taken them five series to do absolutely nothing.

8. Cougar Town
What began life as a sharp, bold, semi-believable comedy soon melted down into a cosy, convenient family sitcom worryingly light on the laughs. A few constraints here and there might prompt writers to think outside the box. Alas, when your one punchline is ‘wine’, you’d need a few gallons yourself to enjoy this waste of airtime.

7. Question Time
Another show whose inclusion here might not be fully justified – it’s a simple yet effective format, which goes to great lengths to bridge the sizeable gap between politician and everyman. But the consistently cunt-packed panel, often trumped by hateful audience members airing some truly disgusting views, makes Question Time seriously uncomfortable viewing.

6 - 5. X Factor USA / The X Factor
The bubble had burst for The X Factor some time ago, but its continued existence is taking a mammoth dump on whatever good it once did as an entertainment show and/or talent search. The American version is painful to watch, the clearly-unwell Britney Spears wheeled out to read three syllables at a time. Meanwhile, the British version with its now-transparent flouting of the rules, entire lack of morals and largely loathsome talent somehow outdoes its transatlantic sister. Simon Cowell, you are a cunt. But, for your sake, give it up.

4. Hotel GB
Let’s round up all our talent! Except the ones with dignity! Let’s chuck ‘em all in a hotel, undertaking tasks with little or no relevance to their own skills! Let’s add in some unemployed folk to give it some heart! Let’s put cameras everywhere, like that show we gave to Channel 5! Let’s completely die on our arses!

3. The Midnight Beast
Apparently, this is funny to some people. Apparently, those people are missing at least two of their five senses. Fair play to The Midnight Beast for grafting their way to their own TV show, but the overplayed, smug knowingness of it all was fist-bitingly awkward to witness. (That, and the material absolutely stinks.)

2. Britain Unzipped
For all BBC Three’s foolish decisions (axing high-rating shows such as The Fades) and their sanctimonious spiel about making viewers ‘think’, they don’t half produce some shit. Britain Unzipped was approaching Eurotrash levels of tastelessness, a low being Holly Willoughby examining spunk stains in front of a live studio audience. License fee refund, please.

1. The Only Way Is Essex Live
The dreadfulness is baked right into the title, isn’t it? The show in its usual guise is an absolute abortion, so how they thought it would translate into a live special is a complete mystery. The plus side is that the missed cues, script cock-ups, and the most loathsome cuntrags on television finally put the nail in the bright orange, diamante-studded coffin.

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