Honking Box Preview: Totally Jodie Marsh

Ah, the good ol’ Totally brand. Tainted with the unmistakeable stench of complete failure after the train wreck monstrosities Totally Scott-Lee and Totally Boyband, surely you’d have to be pretty thick to even consider saying yes when MTV approach you with a proposal for your very own Totally franchise.

Which sort of explains the arrival of Totally Jodie Marsh (not forgetting its dubious subtitle Who’ll Take Her Up The Aisle?), a schadenfreude-jammed account of the Essex swamp-donkey’s day-to-day life. But this isn’t just a regular reality show, folks. No, this is leading up to Jodie’s dream wedding - and all she’s got to do between now and then is find the groom. May we suggest, for starters, a chap who’s had all five senses completely deadened by a bizarre chemical radiation leak?

Just for you, The Sloppy Dog has taken a peek at the first couple of episodes, and in true Totally style, it’s watch-through-your-fingers from start to credits. Remember that feeling during Celebrity Big Brother, where you wanted Jodie to get off her arse and just stand up to Michael Barrymore and George Galloway (because, let’s face it, an over-inflated and over-used terracotta sex doll is preferable to a corpse-fisting non-comedian and a buddy of Saddam)? That feeling is heightened ten-fold here - no other show could induce its viewers to scream “GET SOME SELF-RESPECT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!” at the screen. Well, maybe Blue Peter.

We’ve all seen the groteseque pictures of the press-launch, where Jodie stood atop a wedding cake clad in trademark tit-belts, but Totally Jodie Marsh gets a close-up view of the individual press interviews afterwards, the highlight of which was a showdown with a reporter from Radio 1. When quizzed about her declaration that Preston & Chantelle’s wedding was a publicity stunt, Jodie turns from her usual shade of rust-orange to an enraged vermilion.

She first proclaims that the reporter was a lesbian on account of having short hair, then claims she was jealous of Jodie’s astrophysical levels of beauty, before rounding off with a threat to knock her out. Surely physical attacks against a Radio 1 employee is hugely erroneous? Especially when they’re not Fearne Cotton, Vernon Kay, Tim Westwood, the guy who controls the playlist, Zane Lowe, Reggie Yates, Chris Moyles or any of his team of hollow, grovelling arse-lickers.

Still, the overwhelming tone of Totally Jodie Marsh is one of utter pity. The look of despair on the faces of her poor family throughout is testament to the walking devastation that is Jodie Marsh, and while it makes for genuinely depressing viewing, thank God the cameras are there to capture it - while it may be depressing, it’s damn entertaining all the same.