Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Sloppy Dog SpiceWatch

So finally, we get round to executing another entry in our new SpiceWatch series. Not that it’s out of laziness (unlike the ‘Ump, Album Reviews, and don’t even mention the Celebrity News). Finally, we’ve actually got something new to write about. A photo.

But wait! Stick with us, readers - it’s so much more than just a photo! To the average layman, it’s merely a picture of some ladies in their thirties. Nothing more, nothing less. Well, maybe perhaps the cover of the 2007 W.I. calendar, but that’s about the extent of it. Yet to a Spice fan, it’s an incomprehensible stammer of sweaty, excitable textspeak and involuntary on-the-spot jiggling.

So, for those of you who don’t see the world through Spice-branded glasses sold exclusively through Asda back in the 1997 merchandising explosion, allow us to provide a deconstruction of the photo girl-by-girl, starting from the bottom and working clockwise.

- A strategically-positioned-for-purposes-of-pregnancy-veiling The Bunto™.

- A shopper handed an Elegant Portrait Studio flyer outside Allders of Croydon, genuinely flattered because she doesn’t realise they’ve been disseminated to every single passer-by since 8am. Look! She’s had her hair done for the shoot and everything! Secretly, she wishes they’d used the nice pastel background like that one in reception with the ugly twin babies on it, but she won’t let that ruin her day of glamour, oh no.

- “Please Nancy, call the police. Look into my eyes… no, really look. You can understand me, I know you can. Just call the police and it’ll be alright. And tell them to hurry.”

- If things were just a tad more gay here at Sloppy Dog Towers, this would be the very definition of ‘fierce’. **finger-snaps**

- The stark realisation that straight hair means a far smaller Scary-to-others ratio than the world - or Mel B herself - is used to. Expect a rethought voluminous Uber-Afro by the first live show.

However, the importance of this photo is not the individual analyses, but the overall sum of its parts. The mere existence of a brand new studio shot is reason enough to invoke a global squeeing on a par with Enrique Iglesias simultaneously attending a billion hen parties. In short, we’re allowing ourselves to get more and more keyed up about the upcoming reunion, and hey - at the very least, it’s better than the vile Forever cover.

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