Honking Box Review: I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

Ah, the return of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. The only show on television guaranteed to score more front covers than Big Brother, if only because The Sun and The Star dedicate half the front page to a new-levels-of-gratuitous photo of Myleene/Jordan/Sophie/Carol Thatcher washing their norks, regardless of the mass murder headline that accommodates the other half of the page.

In truth, we've only ever invested in one series, which was the 2004 carnival of lunacy. A year where John Lydon pussied out, then claimed it was rebellion rather than out-and-out spinelessness; where Peter met Jordan, increasing his stock 1000% while all but vaporising hers; where Kerry Chip-Shop won over the nation before heading on a downward slope to drugs, hostage situations and pop-pop chicken; and where Jennie Bond was the true unsung hero of the series.

Last year we were subjected to a torrent of "OMG PHINA BIT SCOTT OMG LOL!!" from friends and colleagues, but let's take a moment to consider what this sentence actually represented: a woman whose CV reads "fleeting cameo in Buffy" in 72 point, sinking her teeth into a weasely little man who once wrapped a pipe cleaner around Tina fucking Barrett. That, ladies and gents, is the perfect example of why we lost interest.


But this year's series is promising to be the stuff of reality legend. It was only the presence of Cerys Matthews that prompted us to tune in, and in honesty, we were expecting it'd prompt us to hammer out an 'Ump column. This is a woman whose career is both existant and relevant, if a little on the quiet side. Why exactly did she sign up? And yet, no matter, as she's proving to be highly entertaining and incredibly likeable, and we're not just saying that because she provided us with the second best single of last year.

And of course, Janice Dickinson cannot go unmentioned. It has to be confessed that America's Next Top Model doesn't make regular appearances on the Sloppy Dog V+ Box (cue our entire female and gay readership hurling large objects in disgust) but we now see what we've been missing out on - a seething, snarling generator of legendary one-liners. If anyone's going to slap that repugnant lizardy smile off the rubbery chops of Katie Hopkins, it'll be Janice. Here's hoping…

So, all things considered, this is shaping up to be quite an interesting viewing prospect. Of course, we don’t know who the jiggins most of the remaining celebrities are, so should Cerys or Janice make an early exit, we’ll be switching over irately. Until then, pull up a khaki campbed and pour yourself a nice cup of koala jism, it looks as though our winter nights are all booked up…