Thursday, March 23, 2006

This week's Celebrity News by Simon Amstell

Well, this is nice, isn’t it? Of course, by “nice”, I mean “a bit rubbish”. I thought I’d give sarcasm a try, you see. Which is sarcastic in itself. What a tangled web of hilarity I weave. After Sarah Jessica Parker’s fantastic (sarcasm again) column last week, The Sloppy Dog evidently selected a more niche reporter – did you know I’m both gay and Jewish? I don’t tend to make it known. It’s not like it’s the entire basis for my comedy career or anything.

Speaking of gays, Pete Burns has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital this week. He’s gay, but not Jewish. I’m both gay AND Jewish – it’s really funny, see? Anyway, we wish Pete all the best, and sincerely hope that he doesn’t choke on his own straitjacket.

Cheryl Tweedy has been named the world’s sexiest footballers’ wife, despite not actually being married to Ashley Cole (who, even if he is gay, isn’t Jewish). Girls Aloud won’t come on Popworld anymore. It’s all a bit shit really. Thank Liberace I have my gay/Jewish jokes to fall back on.

And finally, Eva Longoria has revealed – actually, forget it. She’s not a Jew, nor a gay. Instead, I’ll whip out a sardonic gag involving gefilte fish and a buttplug. Can we get Miquita in to laugh at it, please?


Anonymous said...

simon amstell is gay and jewish. you forgot to mention it.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you go on about Simon Anstell like that. Leave him alone, I'm gay and Jewish too and you clearly don't understand how hard life is when you have to live with such afflictions. Simon is a valuable role model to me and others in my difficult situation. Anti-Semitic homophobes like you should be banned from using the Internet. You're a disgrace.

al said...

Hey, WE didn't write it. That all came from Amstell himself. (Apparently he's gay and Jewish - who'da thunk it?!)

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