The 'Ump: Javine Hylton

Once in a while, we all need to let out some steam. And even when you’re not particularly angry, it’s always nice to helm a bitchy rant about anything and everything. And we here at The Sloppy Dog are no different – in fact, we’ve dedicated a whole column to it. Welcome to The ‘Ump.

Watching shows by Endemol usually gets us angry here at The Sloppy Dog. Whether it’s the fact that they make their staff work 1000-hour weeks for approximately thruppence before tax, or the fact that Noel Edmonds is talking about tactics and positivity on a show where the entire premise is guesswork, it’s generally all rather shite.

But what’s really gotten up our proverbial arses is the triumph of sweaty stringbean ho-bag Javine on The Games. Serves us right for watching it, but she’s one dislikeable bastard. Sleeping on the couch… barely cracking a smile on being crowned victor… generally looking like a man in very cheap drag… take your pick of justification. At the top of our list, however, is something far worse - no-one, but NO-ONE, has the right to give attitude to a Nolan.

It must be nice for Javine to finally win something, mind. Bear in mind this is the (wo)man who crashed, burned and turned to ash at Eurovision, and ranked miles beneath even Nicola Roberts in Popstars: The Rivals. So enjoy your triumph for now, Javine – you really shouldn't get used to winning too many things.