Single Reviews 26/06/06

So, Top of the Pops has finally been axed. The BBC decided to put the mangey dog down, did they? Realised that the ten quid budget they pissed away on it wasn't worth the four viewers watching? Fnar-fnar. Not that this has anything to do with this week's new Single Reviews, but it's always fun to gloat.

With his upcoming Greatest Hits reading like a manual of How Not To Do Dance Music, the eternally-insipid Fatboy Slim bores us further with That Old Pair of Jeans, predictably another puddle of hiccupy beats and drowsy samples. Though, in fairness, it’s probably hard to be inspired when your wife looks like a rugby player. In comparison, Royksopp nail Single of The Week on the genial Beautiful Day Without You, a funkily-trippy refrigerated sway which should, right this minute, be prompting Norman Cook to hang himself.

Lucratively providing the soundtrack to a recent Nike ad, Mas Que Nada sees leathered croon-goon Sergio Mendes teaming up with the Black Eyed Peas for an entirely pointless reworking. The Peas (essentially just Love City Groove for the 21st century anyway) bring precisely nothing to the collaboration – echoing their dried-up ‘musical’ career overall.

Everyone’s least favourite Gonorrhoea Girls – officially known as the Pussycat Dolls – are given yet another turgid R & B catastrophe to gyrate to, this time with the help of Snoop Dogg (who, much like the Black Eyed Peas, adds fuck all). Buttons sees Drag Doll, Munter Doll, Background Doll, Corporate Cocksucker Doll, Executive Fellatio Doll and Management Blowjob Doll inviting us to “loosen up their buttons”, which aside from being just plain shite, is like a request to dive bollock-first into a skipful of crabs.

And finally, The Kooks. Here at The Sloppy Dog we swerve all oncoming bandwagons as standard practice, only for this one to clip our wing mirror with rather ace previous single Naïve. However, the scrawny cadaver that is She Moves In Her Own Way has prompted us to U-turn, catch up and ram this lot off the road. That straw hat is unforgivable.