Wednesday, June 21, 2006

This week's Celebrity News by Jilly Goolden


Hmmm... I’m getting a hint of mutton... I’m getting airs of pretentiousness... I’m getting a lovely whoosh of complete and utter madness... why, it must be me, Jilly Goolden with this week’s superlative Celebrity News!

Well done to young Wayne Rooney, who has made a triumphant return to the majestic arena of sport. This little supermarket-own Lambrusco has humungous overtures of pork, and would go perfectly with an expensive, gold-draped chicken-head, or for that mega naughty weekend treat, an extra-mature trout.

Mmm, mmm, mmmmm... this next one is like a million hillbillies clicking their spurred heels on a hay-strewn floor, combined with lashings of ginger. In fact, that’s exactly what it is – congratulations to Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman who have announced their engagement. I do hope Tom’s happy for them. Mmmm, hang on – I’m getting a bitter aftertaste...

Oooooh, mmmm... now that’s a furry little Beaujolais. Sorry, I mean a furry little Beyoncé. Like a fruity wee rent boy who hasn’t returned all the takings to his heavily-spiced pimp, Beyoncé was attacked this week by PETA for her considerable collection of furs. I’m getting flavours of megalomania, a snifter of gold lamé, a weaving of horse-hair, and just a diminutive tang of Christian goodness, akin to a fine church communion red served out of a Hooters tankard.

Perhaps, boys and girls, it’s time for a nice relaxing sit-down. One is completely fucking wankered.


1 comment:

Julian Tamerino said...

i once met gilly in a beer tent at ascot, she was in drinking competion with Mark and lard. Apparently she managed to drink a yard of ale before being sick all over esther ranson.

im off down the gym.

byeze bye.

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