Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Sloppy Dog's Worst of 2006: Singles

If we thought narrowing down the ten greatest songs of 2006 was a tough job, trying to determine the worst was even harder. Man alive, was there some SHITE released this year.

10. Fergie – London Bridge
What should have been a one-single gimmick for the Black Eyed Peas soon engulfed the entire band and its music, before heading out on a geographically-retarded solo career that bled the ears of the world. We take consolation in the fact that the painful Fergalicious never reached the shelves, but the dire London Bridge more than made up for it. The tuneless stamp of a pramfaced, handicapped Gwennabe, Fergie needs to get back to fluffing Will.I.Am before she’s beheaded at the Tower of London (which, incidentally, she probably thinks is either Canary Wharf or the Gherkin).

9. Infernal – From Paris To Berlin
Faceless, meaningless Euro-pus such as this would normally go in one ear and out the other, but there was no escaping the putrid stench of the Infernal ogre. As if the nightmare wasn’t bloodcurdling enough as it was, the World Cup “remix”, transposing Paris for London and focusing on manpig Wayne Rooney’s injured trotter, took the concept of shit to alarming new levels.

8. Christina Aguilera – Ain’t No Other Man
We’re not quite sure whether we’re more sick of hearing the track itself, or the wretched, badge-wearing banshee repeating ad nauseum how it’s a throwback to the 20s, 30s and 40s. Just to be clear, that’s a throwback to the 20s, 30s and 40s. Every fucking interview, people. Irritating, repetitive blasts of hellish horns provide the worst possible backdrop for a voice that leaves the most durable double-glazed windows in mere smithereens with her torturous vibrato. Back to the red lights of Hades with thee, whore of Satan.

7. Ne-Yo – So Sick
You’d think a boring song would just go straight over our heads, wouldn’t you? However, So Sick achieves such unfathomable new levels of boredom, indifference is altogether impossible. Being a genre where cliché and obviousness are rife, R&B has to be bloody good to escape the formulaic doldrums – yet in So Sick, Ne-Yo could almost be providing a parody that deliberately includes each and every one of these trite chestnuts.

6. Justin Timberlake – SexyBack
Sounding like four entirely different tracks playing at once – four shit tracks, it goes without saying – it’s a wonder how producer extraordinaire Timbaland even allowed his name to be attached to this tragedy, never mind be responsible for it. Once again, the supposed wonder of Justin Timberlake completely misses us. Tell us, is it us that’s wrong? How does no-one else hear this as utter novelty pigswill?

5. Orson – No Tomorrow
Demonstrating that the spirit of the vile New Radicals is alive and well, Orson spewed out this piss-poor example of shandy-swilling frat pop back in March, although the clueless radio stations that make up approximately 95% of Britain’s FM spectrum still haven’t found that stop button. And, in a further echo of the New Radicals slaying the career of Melanie C, the revolting behind-the-mixing-desk witchcraft of Orson has been let loose on the poor unsuspecting Sugababes. Good luck outside the Top 40, ladies.

4. Panic! At The Disco – I Write Sins Not Tragedies
Looking and sounding like the cheapest, nastiest pantomime in your local armpit of a theatre, the funniest part of I Write Sins Not Tragedies is the band’s fervent belief that they’re telling some sort of profound story. Their pockmarked little faces egotistically hanging on every uninspired lyric and irksome melody is truly a spectacle of hilarity. You’d have found more musicianship in The Noise Next Door.

3. The Dykeenies – New Ideas
“I’ve got a wealth of new ideas / I’ve got a wealth of new ideas / I’ve got a wealth of new ideas / I’ve got a wealth of new ideas / I’ve got a wealth of new ideas / I’ve got a wealth of new ideas / I’ve got a wealth of new ideas.” Well, fucking use a couple of them then, you tiresome, faux mid-Atlantic whingebags.

2. Robbie Williams – Rudebox
After more than a decade of unflagging arse-licking, the clueless British public finally open their shit-caked eyes to the horrors of Robbie Williams. The arrogant swagger that carried him through catastrophes such as Rock DJ and Radio finally ran out on the abhorrent Rudebox. The record company must shiver with dread every time he suggests including a rap, but his attempts on Rudebox carry him to new lows. Please Lord, let this be the backlash he has so long deserved.

1. Sandi Thom – I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker
It will come as no surprise to our regular readers to see the twisted, phantasmagorical, distressing acoustic abnormality that is Sandi Thom claiming the title of the year’s worst single. A song where she expresses her wishes to encounter her own parents in hormonal teenage form, complains about the length of footballers’ hair for no apparent reason, and gripes about the Internet despite it supposedly being the reason anyone even knows the name of this incompetent slagbeast.
Still, there is one thing that Sandi Thom does teach us – not only does God exist, but that God is a vengeful God. His anger knows no boundaries. First came the thunder and lightning, followed soon by plagues of flies, frogs, boils and locusts. Fire and brimstone hailed down upon the Earth, and just when the sinners had hoped mercy had been granted, then came I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair). REPENT! REPENT!

1 comment:

Chris said...

Is it good or bad that I've never heard (of) any of these songs?

 
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