Friday, December 22, 2006

The Sloppy Dog 2006 Honours List

And so we come to our final countdown of 2006. We had initially decided to compile two separate Heroes and Villains lists, but in the spirit of Christmas, we realised lil baby Jesus wouldn’t approve of such negativity, plus we figured the Villains list would probably just read exactly the same as Santa’s naughty list – Grace, Javine, Harvey, Galloway... we’re predicting coal in a few stockings come Monday.

So instead, behold The Sloppy Dog 2006 Honours List, where we celebrate ten radiant examples of humankind. Bear in mind though, this is The Sloppy Dog – if you’re looking for war heroes and charity workers, we suggest you wait for the Queen’s selection.

Also, FYI, we decided Roseann McBride was exempt from our Honours List – we couldn’t justify the inclusion of someone for reasons of evil.

But enough chit-chat! Without further ado, we bring you, in no particular order, The Sloppy Dog 2006 Honours List...

Kevin Smith
Aside from being the official favourite filmmaker of The Sloppy Dog, 2006 has proved that this genius does not require celluloid to showcase his superiority. His blogs alone – mere ramblings via MySpace – are both thought-provoking (if you revel in sarcasm, irony and low culture, as we do) and hilarious (if you’re a sewer-minded juvenile, as we are). Emperor Kevin of New Jersey, we bow down to you.

Aisleyne
Shining like a bleached blonde beacon in a houseful of pricks, pariahs, princesses and pretenders, Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace was the one true star of this year’s Big Brother. We’ve heard that a number of BB7 housemates will somehow be involved with the upcoming Celebrity edition – we’re crossing fingers, toes and vital organs that Ash will be partaking. 2006: the year the world was told to know itself.

Lady Sovereign
One of the most refreshing artists to emerge in aeons, a bizarre lack of interest has delayed her proper launch countless times. Hard to believe it’s knocking on three years since Sad Arse Strippa had us rolling around with laughter, and we’re only just able to get her album on small-scale release now. Tut-tut, music industry. Authentic, amusing, talented and very, very British, the Sov will inherit the Earth.

That random whale in the Thames
...who never actually seemed to pick up a name, which is fairly bizarre considering we live in a place where cars, giant bells, and lottery draw machines all have human monikers. The whale’s inclusion in our list is more of a memorial than anything else, though we can’t help but respect the colossal enigma he gave as a parting gift. An entire city was left questioning where exactly the whale was going, which is quite an achievement for something with a blowhole. Our money’s on Hampton Court – there’s a Zizzi’s with a lovely river view there...

Jonathan
In the odd little world that exists in our mind, this gem of a bloke has just been crowned the winner of The X Factor, and is releasing a self-penned pop/rock classic, as opposed to a poor man’s BeyoncĂ© churning out an insipid cover. We much prefer that little world in our mind – it’s a fun and fucked-up place. Y’all come visit us there sometime, ya hear?

Alex & Alexa
We have no problem addressing our aversion to Simon and Miquita. The former is a two-trick pony that once stole a joke from us, and the latter is nothing more than the pathetic grooming bird to his African elephant. Thank the Lord, then, for Alex Zane and Alexa Chung, the saviours of terrestrial pop television. Highlights include Daz Sampson’s oblivion during a pisstake centred entirely on him, and Nelly Furtado’s Big Ones which saw her leaving the set in hysterics, having dumped a plate of mini Scotch eggs over Alex. The torch of hangover TV burns bright.

The Cast of Avenue Q
Well, maybe this should be more dedicated to the creators of Avenue Q – but again, in that crazy place in our minds, Avenue Q and its residents actually exist. That said, we’re not sure what’s more worrying – that we realised we’re cruel enough to relate to every single lyric of the hilarious Schadenfreude song, or that we agreed so fervently with the opinions of puppets.

Melanie C
Aside from her presence during one or two Emma-encouraging stints on Strictly Come Dancing, us Brits haven’t seen a whole lot of Sporty this year, and that’s precisely why we love her. Rather than allow the UK scabloids to piss her off, she’s conquered the rest of the continent, having scored Number Ones all over Europe through 2006. We were lucky enough to catch her during the Live @ Sunset festival in Zurich, looking and sounding better than ever, prompting us to think of this whole process as her own dignified way of saying “eat shit and die, Victoria Newton”.

E4 Music
Granted, some of the presenters are crying out for a good hearty slap in the gob, but look past the chin, nostrils and smugness, and you’ve got the best music channel in Britain today. Tearing up predictable playlists in favour of a fresh, intelligent mix; worthwhile, relevant music programming; sackloads of personality courtesy of the outstanding on-air material... this is how music telly is done. *cough*MTV UK*cough*

Richard Hammond
And to conclude, our tenth and final medal and scroll (albeit a symbolic medal and scroll – on our wages, a commemorative Toffo would be pushing the boat out). However, it should be pointed out that surviving a particularly nasty car crash isn’t the reason for the Hamster’s appearance. Although we’re cockahoop that he’s all mended (go surgeons), his placing is a simple effect of being the most likeable bloke on telly. Seriously, can you think of anyone the nation would rather go for a pint with?

So, there we have it. A year’s worth of rantings, adoration, bitchery, fawning and general jibba-jabba noises in print form, all summarised in a selection of neat little lists. Well, about three months short of a year, but who’s counting?

We’ll be back in the New Year, just in time for Celebrity Big Brother (fine-toothed comb and thesaurus of insults at the ready). Thanks for reading, commenting, emailing, or just surfing in by accident and fucking right off again.

See you in 2007. Merry Christmas! xx

2 comments:

jds said...

Ah well...I enjoyed reading this...very funny.

I'll keep watching for all my inspiration on popular culture...especially as I know nothing about it...

Bring on Celebrity Big Brother...

J.

Anonymous said...

The Thames whale DID have a name, he was called Wally.

 
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