Honking Box Review: Celebrity Big Brother / Desperate Housewives

Happy New Year, readers! Welcome to The Sloppy Dog's first post of 2007. We're still half-filled with novelty chocolate Santas, but there should still be sufficient acidic bile to apply to the worst examples of pop culture. And four days into the New Year, there's already been a barrage – we’re not even going to mention This Life +10 (except for the fact that it felt like it was being made up on the spot, didn't feature even a mention of Jo and Kira who far outshone the main characters, was the polar opposite of the series in being wholly unbelievable, and that the dialogue was on a par with USA High). Ah, it's good to be back.

Perhaps we shouldn't have allowed ourselves to get so worked up about Celebrity Big Brother. We already know NOTHING could ever top "Yeah… Brackie", but we had expected at least something to get excited about. Were we the only ones for whom that underwhelming feeling grew and grew with the arrival of each "celebrity"? Seriously, Endemol… when your two biggest achievements are this shower of morons, and a show where the creator of Mr Blobby guides a contestant in saying numbers out loud, it's time to rethink your output.

Our early favourite is Shilpa Shetty, who we hope will be difficult, precious and holier-than-thou throughout her stay. That said, we texted a friend who completed an MA in Bollywood Studies to gain a further insight into the potential legend of Shilpa (we could have used Wikipedia, but fitting a description into 160 characters is obviously far more fun). Said friend, in spite of qualifications and vast knowledge, was unable to provide any form of information. Good work, celebrity bookers. Good work.


Of course, mention must be made of H, who we already dislike for deciding to steal his name back from our favourite Lostprophet. His newly open status as a card-carrying gayer is supposedly something we're meant to be surprised at – for a grown man who spent his entire Steps career making whooping noises, there's a fair chance we might have already known.

We also learned Jo from S Club 7 is now a dog-breeder. It's good to see she's applying her experience of working with Tina to a good use. And let's not forget CRAZY! and MAD! Donny Tourette, effectively a Matalan take on John Lydon. Donny's claim to a celebrity title comes from his role as frontman of a cult rock band, and it doesn't take Countdown's Dictionary Corner to tell you which word "cult" is one letter away from.

We weren't quite aware of just how pathetic Celebrity Big Brother had been until Desperate Housewives began, and we were confronted with true entertainment. Bearing in mind we'd severely lost interest since the end of series two, perhaps it was solely the lack of expectation that made it such a pleasant surprise. Maybe, in turn, the huge expectations we had for Big Brother explain why it was so shit.

…Nope, it was definitely the content that made Big Brother so shit.

Back to Wisteria Lane, we couldn't have been blessed with a better opening episode. Gabrielle's exchange with Xiao Mei was absolutely priceless – who’d have thought a ruthless bitch-off between a material model and her immigrant maid would be so evenly matched?

Elsewhere, Nora is promising to be truly fantastic – not only because her arrival is adding another much-needed dimension to the eternally-beige Lynette, but for reasons of undiluted white trash greatness. And it's a relief to see Teri Hatcher is finally grasping the conventions of physical comedy. For a woman whose attempts at slapstick normally resemble a special school drama club re-enacting that broomstick scene from Fantasia, the milkshake moment in the hospital was outstanding.

So, to summarise, kudos to Channel 4. And at the same time, shame on you, Channel 4. Not that quality necessarily matters - we'll be terminally glued to both shows indefinitely.