Honking Box Review: Celebrity Big Brother

We give in. We were planning to avoid giving our ten rupees’ worth on Shilpagate, but in the midst of the escalating lunacy, we came to the realisation that the British public need to hear The Sloppy Dog’s thoughts far more than they need to hear the thoughts of those people wot is old and wot sit in that big house wot’s attached to Big Ben.

While each viewer, housemate, politician and church mouse has their own thoughts on the racism claims, our interest is more with the bullying tactics we’re seeing from the Coven of She-Kevs. Not that we’re in any way worried at this stage – the relevance is that the unpleasant matter has produced a clear frontrunner.

Our initial fascination in Shilpa Shetty began off the back of her intro VT, which portrayed her as the quintessential brattish diva. Of course, that’s in no way what the producers wanted us to think she’d be. No doubt, when they heard tales of her entourage and day-to-day requirements, they expected they were booking a South Asian J-Lo, not an intelligent, respectful woman who’d fight her corner with dignity rather than tantrums.

That interest has now turned into complete support. Much as we love Cleo, it’s hard to do anything but have total respect for Shilpa and her unrivalled levels of dignity. Anyone else made the subject of Danielle Lloyd’s ignorant gob would have turned round and kicked the vacuous tramp square in the flange. Not our Shilpa – she argues her point with decorum, sheds a brief tear, dusts herself off and readies herself for the next round. And with one single line (the already immortal “your claim to fame is THIS”), has utterly wiped the floor with upright sow and all-round scumfest Jade Goody. She’s truly this year’s Aisleyne, albeit perhaps slightly more demure.

We can’t help but snigger at the news that protestors in India have taken to burning effigies of the Big Brother producers. That snigger would have turned into unremitting belly laughter had the protestors dressed said effigies in the Endemol uniform of Ugg boots and indoor scarves. Let’s hope an angry mob in Mumbai with a keen attention to detail are reading.

Of course, we can rely on Davina McCall to be impartial, can’t we? After all, her entirely fair treatment of Makosi and Susie during their eviction interviews indicates that she’s happy to be even-handed. Almost as if it were part of her job! Sarcasm aside (for a very short space of time, we imagine), expect much Shilpa-baiting from a woman who has not only displayed she’s incapable of sitting on a fence crafted for her ample child-bearing arse, but a woman who shares the same agent as Jade.

In conclusion: don’t pick up your phone to complain to Ofcom about racism. We’ve seen – in the best possible way – that Shilpa can take care of herself. Instead, pick up the phone and keep her in by voting Jade out. The Sloppy Dog is proud to align itself with the aceness that is Shilpa Shetty. Anyone know the Hindi for “you better know yourself”?

EDIT: Apparently the Hindi for “you better know yourself” is Aapse Jaano. Many thanks to our lovely correspondent in Hoshiarpur Punjae for that...