Single Reviews 15/01/07

Stuff we’ve been thinking about this week: why Jackiey Budden doesn’t just lose the flappy useless arm altogether. Why the hell she spells it ‘Jackiey’. Whether ‘dimella’ should be added to the English Dictionary. Why we don’t have more of a life. Oh, and the Single Reviews...

Opening the events this week are hot! new! band! for! 2007! The View, with the clumsy, overly-literal folk-rock of Same Jeans. Ignoring the exasperating hype, it’s definitely not without charm, but it’s a bit too close to Kooks territory to actually appreciate.

To say we’ve never been fans of JoJo would be fairly accurate. To say we hate her with a blistering vengeance would be even closer to the truth. Like a walking, talking Bratz doll, JoJo is triggering paedophilia in thousands of innocent dirty old men globally, reason enough to string the filthy wee bastard up. Yet, as if we need more reason to loathe it, Too Little, Too Late demonstrates everything wrong with R&B – overproduced, gurgling vocals simpering over a tuneless, lifeless backdrop. Back in yer pushchair, bitch.

Right, who’s up for a hip-hop battle? Anyone? C’mon, who needs 8 Mile when you’ve got SE19? Gather round for an all-Caucasian rap extravaganza – in the white corner, we’ve got Jamie T with the puny Calm Down Dearest, while in the other white corner stands Just Jack, whose exceptional Starz In Their Eyes is set to become his benchmark tune, boasting an amalgamation of razor-sharp observations and quirky, captivating melodies. Literally, we’ve already forgotten what Jamie T’s track even sounds like...

And before we begin our final review, we’d like to confirm that we’re staunchly supporting Team Preston in the recent Buzzcocks battle. Aside from the fact we wish to stab ever-smug, humour-evading cuntrag Simon Amstell in the face, the Ordinary Boys effortlessly sail back up to their congenial pinnacle with the adorable I Luv U, an additional worthwhile cause to back the primary contender. A cast-iron Single of the Week – give him a slap from us, Pres’.