Honking Box Preview: Any Dream Will Do

Truth be told, we couldn’t have given a moth’s arse when we heard about the Beeb’s latest ratings-whore. The only time How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria ever caught our attention was when we learned that Connie Fisher was 23. Seriously, the girl could pass as her own grandmother.

But we digress. Any Dream Will Do, which follows the same format to unearth a mud-flecked gem to take on the role of Joseph (as in “him with the coat”), wasn’t something that had us foaming at the Freeview box. Yet after being talked into a couple of episodes, we’ve developed a taste, and we’re proud to announce it’s for all the wrong reasons.

Rather than being the throwaway paradigm of reality fluff we had anticipated, it is, without a doubt, one of the cruellest talent shows we’ve ever witnessed.

Performing in front of millions of viewers is bound to be terrifying, and the panel of judges can only make it ten times worse. But that’s not enough for Any Dream Will Do. No, the producers want to make these boys literally SHIT THEMSELVES live on television. Denise Van Outen and John Barrowman gushing hormones from every pore, piercing and orifice is bound to be a distraction in itself, never mind when twinned with the presence of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Sat on his throne of pomposity, Lord LW observes each performance with the sharpened attention of a contacts-wearing bald eagle looking through a telescope. Luckily for the hopefuls, ol’ Andy’s baggy rubber chops are wholly incapable of expressing emotion, so it’s impossible to tell whether he’s smiling, frowning, or mourning the death of contemporary music. Andrew Lloyd-Webber only has one look: Andrew Lloyd-Webber.

It seems single-expressioned folk are popular with the BBC at the moment - see also Margaret Mountford (permanent disapproval), Nick Hewer (permanent perplexity), and Fearne Cotton (permanently fucking hideous). But again with the digression. Back to the cruelty - Any Dream Will Do’s cruelty, not ours.

Prior to the bottom two’s sing-off, they’re informed which of them polled the fewest votes. And once cut, there’s no obsequious announcement that they were “a great contestant” followed by a montage of best bits, oh no. Instead the unlucky evictee is made to sing Close Every Door, while the successful Joes segue into Poor Poor Joseph. The humiliation is heightened even further when the poor lad is unceremoniously stripped of his Bi-Colour Dreamcoat. Then finally, Graham Norton prances back centre-stage, where he declares “Let’s cross live to your entire family, who you’ll now see being slowly burnt to death on account of your FAILURE, you absolute useless CUNT!!”

There’s a small chance the process stops after the coat bit.

(By the way, we’re backing Craig, if you’re at all interested. Not to the extent that we’d pick up the phone and vote, but please feel free to waste your credit on our behalf.)

In conclusion, it’s pure evil. In fact, the only thing that would make Any Dream Will Do any more unnecessarily merciless would be the presence of our top reality harridan, Roseann McBride. That’d soon put those thoughts of horizontal squelching with the Josephs out of Barrowman and Van Outen’s heads…