Honking Box Preview: American Idol

So, as we come to the final of American Idol 8, we’ve witnessed many a would-be Idol go packing – early bookies’ favourite Alexis Grace; walking tale of woe Danny Gokey; the utterly shambolic Megan Joy, arguably the worst talent show finalist we’ve ever witnessed; SPONTANEOUS thirteenth wildcarder Anoop Desai; and the outstanding Allison Iraheta, who, if there were any justice, would be sharing the stage with Adam Lambert this week.

Alas, we can’t complain, as Adam, the official Sloppy Dog-endorsed contestant, made it to the end. And bearing in mind we’re still bitter about Ruth Lorenzo coming fifth, that’s progress if nothing else. So what are his chances? With slow-burning tweenage favourite Kris Allen claiming the other spot in the final, it’s a tighter race than even ol’ Calculated Cowell might’ve predicted.

Will Kris join the worryingly sizeable club of mousey, boyish silver medallists (David Archuleta, Clay Aiken, Blake Lewis), or will the hordes of squeeing fangirls win out and make him the next Idol? Bear in mind, the aforementioned squeeing fangirls didn’t manage to crown their beloved Archuleta last year, as demonstrated hilariously here. (Aside from being a brilliant opportunity to laugh at the misery of a bunch of 9-year-old girls, it’s also a pleasant reminder that David Cook is, by far and away, the greatest winner Idol has ever had.)

Speaking of the great Cookie himself, our initial thought on Adam Lambert was that he was effectively a gay edition of David Cook. However, we’ve since deduced that if last year’s finalists – that’s Davids Cook and Archuleta, for any fools not in the know – had a baby, it’d be Kris Allen. Seriously, try watching him without seeing bizarre elements of both Davids melded into one.

But enough talk of the most grim, perverse genetic experiments imaginable, and on with the competition. In the interests of fairness, we’ve weighed up the pros and cons of each contender for your perusal...

In short, Adam Lambert for the win. However, the bible belt will be doing its damndest to vote against the sinful theatre gay, upping Kris’ chances significantly. So we shall take this opportunity to politely request the rest of America GETS OFF THEIR BATTYCREASES AND VOTES FOR ADAM. Thanking you kindly.

Overall, this season of American Idol has been massively entertaining – perhaps not quite as good as last year’s, but we shall certainly have difficulty filling that immoral talent show hole until The X Factor kicks off in August. We’ll miss Ryan’s hapless attempts to appear down wit da kids; we’ll miss Paula babbling incoherently like the utter fucking loon she is; we’ll miss the frankly bizarre star spots in the audience; we won’t, however, miss Kara telling someone “You were sen [ten second pause] SAY-tional! Who does that? You, that’s who!”

The final airs tonight and tomorrow in the US, so we’ll be avoiding pretty much every news and pop culture website in existence until it goes through the Coke-blurring and Ford-eradicating process for ITV2 on Friday night. For now, we trust the good folk of America will be dialling appropriately, but if not, at least they get to experience the awkwardness of having their very own Leon Jackson. Ha.