Wednesday, May 06, 2009

The Sloppy Dog LiveBlog: The Apprentice

Good evening, and thank you for choosing to spend the duration of The Apprentice with us, assuming you're reading this live. The rest of you - what's tomorrow like? Is it filled with hope and optimism, or is Fearne Cotton still alive? (Those of you who are reading this live, keep hitting refresh for updates).

21:01 - Not only are the half-hour opening titles duller than shite, they're also a sore reminder of the brilliant contenders that were sent packing. Sadface for Paula and Kimberley.

21:02 - A recap of last week's dire lack of action, and Noorul getting fired to worldwide indifference.

21:04 - Ben drops the prophetic statement that "a gateway is a gate to somewhere" - someone carve this man's every word in marble, for he is a veritable knowledgefest. Despite the contestants' hopes that they'll be heading off to sell sports cars on the beaches of Dubai, they're heading somewhere up Norf in the rain.

21:07 - Time to select the project managers. Mona's foolishly putting herself forward, which screams of a boardroom bloodbath. Meanwhile, on the opposing team whose name escapes me with all this team-swapping, Lorraine is at the helm. Poor, put-upon Lorraine. Flustered, overbite-tastic, accent-shifting know-it-all Lorraine. Last week, she was described by Margaret Mountford as being Cassandra:

(We're certain that's who she meant. Surely the cultured and wise Margaret Mountford, highly-educated laywer, entrepreneur and executive, currently studying for her doctorate in papyrology, couldn't have been talking about another Cassandra?)

21:10 - So the task, it seems, is to select and market a new product from a range proposed to each team by new designers. Or at least, that's as much as I could gather when I was busy Googling for an image of Cassandra. Amongst the products on display is a cardboard box for cats to play in, which your keyboard-battering correspondent spotted in an overpriced gift shop in Brighton last week. A spoiler, perhaps?

21:13 - Lorraine's team have selected the aforementioned cat monstrosity, and a bike bag, which she's now pitching horribly with Yasmina. Lorraine, FYI, is currently speaking with English accent. She'll no doubt flit to Irish before the episode is out. This is very annoying indeed.

21:17 - Mona has despatched Debra and Howard to pitch to the same panel of business-Scousers, with a similarly poor display to their rivals. Their products are a repugnant, impractical and presumably hugely uncomfortable sleeping bag with limbs, and a two-person dog lead. Or, if you use it upside down, a one-person dog lead for a two-headed dog.

21:21 - The voiceover describes "the shops of the North-West" in the same way as you'd describe "the slums of Sao Paolo". Not long after "the shops of the North-West" open, Mona flogs the people-shaped sleeping shrouds to a camping shop, while the ever-vile Ben nails a high-profile pitch. A pitch which is quickly hijacked by the hapless Lorraine, in spite of Yasmina's protests. This should be good.

21:24 - Debra Barr doesn't quite have the businesswoman look down pat, does she? She's not so much 'get the job done' as she is 'get fingered in the Wetherspoon's beer garden after two Smirnoff Ices.' A prime paradigm of pramface.

21:26 - Vile Ben, Whiny Geordie and Spare Slapperton Sister crash and burn in their pitch to a cycling shop. Meanwhile, Lorraine charges headlong into their big-money proposal with all the poise of a three-legged rhinoceros. It's not looking good for Stealth. Or Eclipse. Or Insight. Or Burglar. What are the teams called this year?

21:29 - Oo-er, Lorraine is snarking about Slapperton Kate's beauty. Well, wouldn't you, if you were the spitting image of Calamity James?

21:32 - Accentwatch: Lorraine's gone momentarily Irish.

21:34 - Time for the boardroom, and it's a reminder of just how little we've seen of Mona and James today. In fact, her whole team garnered sod-all screentime today. You'd initially think this might be a result of the opposing team's utter stupidity, but Sralan reveals they sold diddly-squat during the pitches he set up for them. Way to impress the boss, guys.

21:37 - Slapperton reveals Lorraine "lacked some structure", which may well be the most diplomatic way of saying "was a complete fucking moron who turned everything she touched into a puddle of diarrhoea."

21:38 - And Mona's team - Empire, we finally learn - win by a margin of £3000. Slapperton looks pissed, Ben looks vile, and Lorraine looks worried. As worried as one can look when their face is made of mouldy latex.

21:39 - The Sloppy Dog's backseat bloggers think Lorraine will be bringing Kate and Philip back in with her. Well, that's no good! Get rid of Vile Ben. Let him waddle back to his army-themed bedroom in his parents' house, and eat pies while wearing his fetching braces. Meanwhile, Empire live it up in a helicopter.

21:44 - Ben's coming across quite well in the firing line. This does not bode well.

21:45 - Philip is the best kind of bitch, in the sense that Lorraine is on the receiving end. Apparently, "a monkey in a pair of dungarees" could have done better, which is probably fair. Slapperton Kate, meanwhile, does not cope well under pressure. Better get to pouting, love, show Sralan your potential.

21:48 - And it's Kate and Philip who'll be joining Lorraine back in the boardroom. Does this mean we've got another week of seeing Ben's pockmarked, flabby, arrogant self strutting around like a Goomba dressed as Gordon Gekko?

21:50 - Philip, for all his flaws, stands up to Sralan in a rather impressive manner. However, he is quickly shot down by another Nick Hewer classic: "Tell us about Pants Man."

21:52 - Well the sneaky cow! Lorraine decides to bring out the big guns and reveal Kate and Philip have been getting all squelchy behind the scenes. Low blow, Lorraine, low blow. Philip is genuinely welling up.

21:54 - And the candidate being shown to the taxi of doom is...

21:55 - Philip. How disappointing. Still, you can't expect someone to stand up to Sralan and his Napoleon complex and live to see another day. How Debra even made it back after giving Nick Hewer a mouthful last week is utterly perplexing. In hindsight, Philip was his own worst enemy, and probably deserved to go. But not as much as Lorraine.

21:57 - Spare Slapperton Kate lays into Lorraine back in the house, and rightly so. She'd have been within her rights to uppercut the slimy bastard, in fairness. Debra congratulates Lorraine by saying "Well done Irishwoman" - so WHAT'S WITH THE BLOODY ACCENT?!

21:58 - Next week, Margate. Classy stuff indeed. Do they still have the Looping Star there?

22:00 - In summary: Ben and Debra being hideous; Kate looking like an All Saints merchandise blow-up doll; Lorraine displaying huge new levels of ineptitude; a disappointing lack of Margaret Mountford; and we bid farewell to Philip, surprisingly not off the back of Pants Man. Night-night all! x

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