Friday, September 18, 2009

Honking Box Preview: The X Factor

With the X Factor auditions drawing to a close this weekend, and thus providing us with a double-shot of ‘spontaneous’ action in a staged environment with a full crew and an audience of thousands, we thought it perhaps time to add our two cents’ worth. And, as you may have guessed, we fall into the majority who feel the new format blows.

However, it’s an entirely futile exercise to list the cons – because let’s face it, there are no pros – when each and every article, commentator and Yorkshire terrier has already outlined the epic failure of Cowell’s big idea. It’s safe to say it’ll be back to the good ol’ audition room next year, and the inevitable reinstatement of Tony the bodyguard. That said, isn’t it interesting that a chorus of boos can clear a stage quicker than the threat of violence from a 30-stone meathead?

But audition formats aside, there’s still plenty to talk about (as demonstrated so wonderfully by our favourite X Factor blog, The Bitch Factor), so let’s recap the breathtaking idiocy that has been the Series 6 audition process...

Thus far, we’ve liked Jamie Archer, the biffro’d rocker that prompted Simon Cowell to sing along – something we’d have thought impossible given the man evidently doesn’t have the capacity to comprehend the idea of good music; Miss Fitz, the all-girl trio whose jazz interpretation of Toxic was fun (although their swing schtick and their ropey name might get rather old rather quick); and Trinidad, or, if you’re Louis Walsh, 'Tobacco' native Rozelle Phillip, who our glamorous spy informed us of several months ago, and with reason.

We’ve completely failed to be bowled over by the supposed charms of Will-Young-a-like and ZOMG BISEXUAL!!1! Danyl Johnson, who has become a sort of poster boy for the series in spite of an overblown audition and some fucking hideous spelling.

Which means this weekend’s shows will presumably unveil a selection of other acts who’ve garnered a hefty amount of publicity – granted, not Danyl-levels – before we’ve even seen their auditions. Stacey McClean, who was one of the S Club Juniors that isn’t now a Saturday or a gay greased-up go-go boy; girl group Kandy Rain, who seem to resemble a HBO remake of Band of Gold yet are supposedly the best group to ever audition (wot, better than Addictiv Ladies?! We won’t hear of it!); and the apparently-amazing father of Mali-Michael McCalla, by far the strongest candidate in the Boys category last year, foolishly overlooked in favour of the troika of awfulness that was Eoghan, Austin and Scott.

We’ll unleash a true torrent of bile (what? You think the above was bad?) in a few weeks with our first X Factor liveblog. Until then, you can be sure we’ll be bearing our fangs on the subject via our Twitter feed (lookit, up there on the right), assuming Hell doesn’t freeze over before then as a result of Dannii garnering more than three seconds of screentime.

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