Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Sloppy Dog LiveBlog: The X Factor Results Show

Welcome all, to the second part of this week's X Factor liveblog. If it's anywhere near as predictable and uninspiring as yesterday's show, it's safe to assume the running order will go something like: Opening titles; Dermot looking suicidal; Group song from Hell; Promotional opportunities for two Sony artists; Drawn-out results; Bye bye Lloyd. Mind you, Susan Boyle's in the house tonight, so there's always the potential for an onstage breakdown and self-soiling. Hit refresh for updates, because IT'S TIME TO FACE zzzzzzz...

Ha! The continuity announcer just referred to Susan Boyle as a 'diva'. Bet Mariah Carey doesn't realise she's being lumped in alongside that.

Oh lookit, some fireworks on stage for no apparent reason. Or was it a couple of snipers aiming for Dannle? If so, they clearly missed, and I want my money back.

Run! Hide! It's the group mimealong! Wake Me Up Before You Go Go is the tune being led to the gallows this evening, accompanied by a typically-retarded Brian Friedman choreography bloodbath based on a playground clapping game, and of course, squeezing in that all-important key change.

Dermot announces that the fucking horrific charity mongfest that is You Are Not Alone has, unsurprisingly, reached Number One. Yes, it's for a good cause, but let's be honest, it frickin' stinks. And we're saying nothing about a children's hospital being aligned with a song written by R. Kelly and made famous by Michael Jackson. Nothing. Zip. Nada.

Some backstage footage of Louis and Cheryl having a spat, which is reminiscent of Kevin the Teenager stropping at his mum and dad. Meanwhile, Simon is confident Dannle will be saved by the public, which would make his elimination all the more delightful.

Ah bless, here's Susan Boyle. All things considered, SuBo's not that bad. And hey, maybe if Dannle is in the sing-off, he'll open his stupid gob wide enough to engulf half the studio and inadvertedly give Susan her first kiss. And of course, DANNLE LIKES WOMEN TOO, so it's a win for both parties. She's doing Wild Horses, and it's a rather nice arrangement, it must be noted. And yes, she looks like Bernard Manning going to a fancy dress party as Hyacinth Bucket, but we do love an underdog round these parts.

All four judges cite Joe as the best performance of last night. What are they thinking? Does Simon need him to win as some sort of taxloss to counter the success of Leona and Alexandra?

It's Mariah time, meaning there's a horde of jobsworth lackeys lining the corridors at Fountain Studios tonight. Aside from Sinitta and Yvie Burnett, of course. Her new single is, strangely, a cover of I Want To Know What Love Is which seems to omit the big-haired 80s power notes that one would imagine Mimi is more than capable of.

Holy fuck. There may not be a classic rock ballad power note, but that ad-lib has presumably prompted every dolphin between here and the Caribbean to grimace uncomfortably.

The remaining acts and judges are welcomed back to the stage to hear their fate. Jodward are getting booed horribly. Again, are this audience retarded? We know they're shit. They're here because they're shit. Deal with it.

RESULT! Stacey is through.

As is Joe. *mincey jazz hands*

Who in the name of fuck is voting for Dannle? Seriously?

And Lloyd is somehow through! Which means, hilariously, Olly is in the bottom two alongside Jodward. Simon is NOT impressed. Please, please, please let Cheryl and Dannii exact revenge on Emperor Cowell and save the twins. Nothing against Olly, apart from perhaps being a mash-up of Jamie Oliver and Rodney Trotter with a crazy idea he'd be a hit at anything other than the office Christmas party, but seeing Cowell's chances at winning left with the loathsome Dannle would be truly priceless.

Louis seems to have resigned himself to the fact that the twins are getting their marching orders. It's probably about a 99.9% probability, but Christ, it'd be great to see the Lucie decision come back and bite Cowell on his much-kissed, saggy backside. They're doing No Matter What, and it's an absolute atrocity. And once again, Louis demonstrates his inability to bop his head along to the music, regardless of genre, tempo or performer.

Olly is up, looking shellshocked and farting his way through a clumsy rendition of Wonderful Tonight. His shirt is all gapey - this doesn't mean he's going to rip it open again, does it? *shields eyes*

Is Simon welling up? Does he even have tear ducts? To the great surprise of absolutely no-one, he saves Olly. Cheryl also saves Olly, pussying out of standing up to the overlord.

Oooooooooh, Dannii is drawing it out!! Does this mean it's time for vengeance? The audience are bricking it, as is Simon, but... it's John & Edward that are sent packing. Drat.

Let's be fair here: of course the judges made the right decision. And of all the decent groups we saw throughout the auditions - Trucolorz (in spite of being too young), Miss Frank (in spite of not actually being a group), Harmony Hood (in spite of being a tad grubby), and of course, Miss Fitz (no, we're NOT letting it drop) - John & Edward had absolutely no place in the live shows. So yes, Olly deserved to stay. But then, so did Lucie and Rachel.

Jodward describe their time as 'deadly', confusing a hefty chunk of the British public. Looking ahead, next week's show not only sees the most boring top five in six seasons of The X Factor, but also features a performance from Rihanna, a popstar so fucking dead-eyed she almost challenges Leona Lewis for sheer coma-inducing dreariness. Is there enough Pro Plus in the United Kingdom to cope with such a prospect? In the meantime, thank you for joining us, and goodnight. You've been deadly.

1 comment:

Jo Cleary said...

No way, what crap

Creative Commons Licence
The Sloppy Dog by is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.