Sunday, October 03, 2010

Honking Box Preview: The X Factor

This year on The X Factor: she punched her in the face! You are right up my street! She punched her in the face! You are right up my street! She punched her in the face! You are right up my street! She punched her in the face! You are right up my street! She punched her in the face! You are right up my street! She punched her in the face! You are right up my street! And a side of Nicole Shitsinger telling someone they could use some work on their vocals.

But after that... er... rollercoaster ride, we’re down to our Final 12. Except it’s not final, and it’s not 12, as THE! BIG! TWIST! that’s been public knowledge since Sinitta opened her useless trap a good six months ago means, supposedly, four wildcard contestants will be put through next week to form a Final 16. We’ll be giving you the lowdown on those in due course, but for now, our take on the somewhat shaky choices thus far...

Katie Waissel
Who dat? Loathsome, self-aggrandising, dramatic, over-accessorised, dwarf-shagging, fame-craven Hoxtonite swamp-donkey.
USP: Few contestants have ever shared Katie’s determination, as documented in her own online series, folks. Make no mistake, this harpy will do anything to reach the final, and if that means playing up to her Marmite factor to garner coverage, then bully for her (and for ITV1).
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: Danyl Johnson – together, a veritable black hole of cod-thespian odiousness.
Likely position: 5th – the judges’ vote will save her contrived backside week after week.

Matt Cardle
Who dat? Lee De Wyze 2.0, essentially.
USP: There’s his everyman appeal for starters – women will like him, but not to the extent it’ll wind their husbands up; the blokes, meanwhile, will want to have a pint with him. But more importantly, Matt’s got possibly the strongest voice in the competition.
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: It’d be nice to see Pink, or perhaps Brandon Flowers. But let’s be realistic – they’ll wheel out fecking Bublé again.
Likely position: Winner, if only to see Dannii Minogue snatch the crown back off Princess Cheryl and her undeserving triumph last year.

Mary Byrne
Who dat?
Apparently, the Irish SuBo. Evidently sponsored by Tesco, hence the 23 verbal mentions per episode.
USP: The most honest utilisation of the Overs category since Verity in Series 1 (ie. someone older than 29 being given a lifeline) will go in Mary’s favour, as will her impressive vocals. And hey, don’t rule out the Irish vote. It kept Jedward and Eggnog in the contest significantly longer than deserved.
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: Perhaps predictably, Susan Boyle. But they would absolutely nail I Know Him So Well, thus forgiving the pairing’s stale obviousness.
Likely position: 4th place would be quite a good innings for such an unconventional finalist.

Belle Amie
Who dat?
A compilation of solo entrants speedily soldered together at Boot Camp.
USP: Only one member – Rebecca Creighton – has garnered screentime of any kind. Aside from that, in the words of the hideous Nikki Grahame, who IS SHE? And she, and the other she? Not that it actually matters who they are: they’re a girl group, and we all know that’s X Factor cancer.
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: Hope, from Series 4. It’ll be a failed soloist Royal Rumble.
Likely position: Again, they’re a girl group. 12th.

Storm Lee
Who dat? Wizened mid-Atlantic demi-rocker who’s already got Cowell’s back up over his name alone.
USP: Storm hasn’t got a bad voice by any means, but he’s not particularly comfortable to watch. However, his early cut-and-thrust with Cowell will most likely spill over into the live shows, a la previous Simon sparring partners Chico and the Macdonald Brothers.
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: He’s already commented on Sting's disapproval of The X Factor, so let’s put 'em in a boxing ring and watch with glee as they slug it out.
Likely position: Storm won’t be long for this competition – our Mystic Meg leanings put him somewhere around 9th.

One Direction
Who dat? Curly, Moley, Sea Urchin, If U Can’t Dance, and Ken.
USP: The five-piece Bieberfest will no doubt claim the votes of little girls who’ve heard The Wanted’s second single and realised they need to direct their fandom somewhere less shit.
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: While a duet with Slipknot would be incredibly entertaining, a team-up with a weathered boyband will be more likely. They can hope for Take That, but Westlife is the cheaper and more viable option.
Likely position: Runner-up. They’ll sail through to the final, Eoghan-style, at which point the British public will hurriedly reach for their phones and vote for the alternative.

Nicolo Festa
Who dat? The cocky Italian one whose screentime thus far has most likely prompted you to go and pop the kettle on.
USP: It’ll be the ‘turnaround’ moment, Rhydian-style. The arrogance will turn out to be insecurity, he’ll drop the haughty swagger and everyone will love him. Even equipped with a decent voice and an inimitable character, it’s his only hope.
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: They’ll most likely play up Nicolo’s Italian card, much like the Españolisation of Ruth Lorenzo, so he’ll team up with Tiziano Ferro for a haunting version of Shaddap You Face.
Likely position: 6th – a lack of blinkered-to-quality hometown voters means he’s got a tough job on his hands.

John Adeleye
Who dat? Your guess is as good as ours.
USP: Seriously, who IS this guy? Prior to Judges’ Houses, was he even on the show?
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: Oh, please. As if he’ll get anywhere near the final. But for the sake of this exercise, let’s suggest Daisy Dares You – someone similarly anonymous and irrelevant.
Likely position: 11th. A lack of early screentime destroyed the awesome Rachel Adedeji’s chances last year, and John’s nowhere near her league. (Although they do share a similar-sounding last name, the kind you can tell makes Peter Dickson’s eyes light up when he gets his voiceover script.)

Rebecca Ferguson
Who dat?
Bashful yet likeable Scouse mum-of-two, who’s seemingly being given Rowetta’s hand-me-down weaves from the hair and make-up department.
USP: Rebecca will be this year’s ‘journey’ contestant. Expect clanging judge clichés including “You go from strength to strength”, “You’re a dark horse in this competition” and “The poor boy’s blind, Simon!” (Okay, maybe two of those.)
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: Corinne Bailey Rae would make for an incredibly well-matched, if slightly yawnsome, pairing.
Likely position: 3rd place, although a shock Maria Lawson-style unceremonious axing wouldn’t be hard to fathom earlier on.

Who dat? Collective of camp twirlers compiled by Brian Friedman, thus making all three groups little more than producers’ human jigsaws.
USP: Their ‘slick’ moves. FYD will be given the toughest choreography out of all the finalists, what with them being PROFESSIONAL DANCERS and all.
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: Band member Kalvin is, like Big Brother’s Ife, another casualty of the horrific DanceX. Maybe the remaining dregs of the unnamed ‘winning’ group can take a night off from their bar work in TGI Friday’s to regroup for this momentous event.
Likely position: 10th. They’ll be hoping to do an Adam Lambert, but a David Hernandez is far more likely.

Cher Lloyd
Who dat?
The mini-Cheryl whose singing style causes her facial features to overlap, whilst introducing the ITV1 audience to moderately-successful US hip-hop.
USP: Rarely does an X Factor finalist come equipped with such a defined genre – but is Middle England ready for the female Soulja Boy? Or, more accurately, the second coming of Jentina?
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: Cher’s "URBAN" credentials will be crying out for a co’llab (Tim Westwood stylee) with the likes of Drake or Nicki Minaj, but we’d quite like her to be lumped with an all-pensioner, 80-strong Welsh male voice choir. Try applying yo swagga to that.
Likely position: 7th. That press saturation won’t have done her any favours.

Aiden Grimshaw
Who dat? Mock-nervous whingebag with a voice somewhere between a ewe in the throes of labour and a deflating balloon.
USP: The tweenage vote will most likely go to One Direction, so it’s difficult to determine where Aiden’s forte lies. Perhaps those with a penchant for gawky, unauthentic, bland numbskulls who’ve been sneezed upon by Urban Outfitters will pick up their ironic burger phones?
Ideal Grand Final Celebrity Duet: Cher (as in the real one, not the bony rapping child), doing a duet of Believe. His voice already sounds as though the auto-tune is cranked up to 11.
Likely position: 8th. The viewing audience will soon tire of that arduous bleating.

Of course, all predicted positions are subject to change when THE! BIG! TWIST! kicks in and four wildcard contestants are put through. For what it’s worth, we’d be picking Paije, The Reason, Yuli and Gamu to make up the remaining spots, though we’re also hoping Katie Weasel’s tabloid sexploits see her crudely despatched from the show, thus creating a space for the amazing Keri. Tune in on Saturday for THE! BIG! TWIST! as the remaining acts claw desperately for the last chance at the live shows – we’re imagining a musical interpretation of cross between Total Wipeout and Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Here’s hoping.

(And just FYI, if THE! BIG! TWIST! turns out not to be a wildcard round, we have the right to amend the above post to paper over us being horribly, horribly wrong.)

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