This week's Celebrity News with Shakira

Hola my friends! I, Shakira, bid you greetings, for I am the Mongoose of throwaway gossip de celebridad. When I am not objecting to tango or telling hip-truths, I enjoy scouring the internet for details of the stars and their mishaps. And so, señoras y caballeros, I bring to you this week’s Celebrity News.

I bid multiple congratulation to Britney Spears and her bloodsucking companion Kevin Federline on the birth of their second offspring, Sutton Pierce. The gift of a child is much like preparing a sonnet for a Shetland pony. Many blessings to you, Britney.

News reaches my ears that Little Britain is to become a motion picture film. It is like my good friend and spirit guide Confucius says, “it is better to open a flask of weasels than to drink from a flask of beetroot wine.” But he says it only to me. The Little Britain film, it is... how you say... to make overkill. I shall not show it to my face.

Finally, it would appear that millions of record sales, saving Embrace from poverty, muchas rumpo with Gwyneth Paltrow, cancelling world debt and being the second coming isn’t enough for Chris Martin. He is to become an urban divinity by producing music for Jay-Z’s new album. I tell you, that man will find a cure for cancer, or my name isn’t Shakira Juanita Bogota Wizadora Cucaracha Jezebel Los Vibración.

Farewell, mis niños, and as always, beware of the adder.

*shakes violently and passes it off as dancing*