Honking Box Review: Torchwood

Can it really be five episodes into a brand new series, and we're yet to cast a condemnatory eye over it? It took us all of two seconds to tear the parched, hopeless Robin Hood to mere shreds, but we've purposely held back in scrutinising the Doctor Who spin-off Torchwood until we've had a more comprehensive gander.

BBC Three's brand new bi-fi hasn't taken long to establish itself as an edgy, identifiable drama with a knowing element of kitsch. Perhaps its none-too-covert promotion throughout every single episode of Doctor Who would explain why we've eased into it so comfortably - effectively, we've known about it since forever ago.

Supposedly a tool for the endearingly plastic Captain Jack Harkness (although it must be noted he's far better at playing the space-age slutbag than the world-weary champion), we're also introduced to his team - an aggravated tea boy, an arse-kicking Welsh bird, a slimy mockney with no lips, and only fucking NICOLA FROM SPICEWORLD. Does television get much better?!

However, it wouldn’t be a Russell T Davies classic without an overt dash of smut – though we can’t help but wonder whether Auntie has actually seen half the stuff served up throughout Torchwood. So far we've seen Mockney No-Lips essentially date-raping a married couple, the heterosexual PC Gwen lezzing it up in a prison cell, and both of the above getting congenially clammy in a mortuary drawer while a semi-naked Cyber-ho stalks the unit looking to cut herself a robo-mate. We’re fighting the urge to leave our Catholic prude hat in its box.

This week's episode sees the team investigating fairies, which, it would appear, are not all that nice. Insert your choice of weak joke from either an obscure Labyrinth reference or an obvious remark about bitchy gays.

Russell T, you've nailed it once again. It'll still be a chic day in Lidl before you top The Dark Season, but sign us up for the Torchwood Appreciation Society all the same. Assuming it doesn’t actually exist, that is... we’re being strictly metaphorical.