Sunday, November 12, 2006

Single Reviews 13/11/06

We know whenever the Single Reviews are late, we come up with some lousy justification for the tardiness, be it a coma or an explosion or alien abduction. But we’re sure you’ll understand that it’s taken us almost a week to pick ourselves up off the floor after seeing the new M&S Christmas ad. Never have so many of the senses been so ill-treated all at once. *shudder*

Pushing the tired jailbird branding to its limits, Akon returns with Smack That, a track supposedly including Eminem as a featuring artist, yet the unmodified stench of Slim Shady throughout all but clouds Akon entirely. More likely than not, Smack That is a mere stop-gap until we’re ‘privileged’ enough to hear the former get back to sampling Tweety Pie, and the latter providing us with another HILARIOUS! and ORIGINAL! parody-packed cuss-by-numbers.

Greatest Hits albums, by their very nature, should contain the artist in question’s greatest hits (c’mon, it’s right there in the title). Oasis inaugurate their Greatest Hits – a compilation that skips much of their greatest work and most of their hits – with The Masterplan, which, by releasing as a single, is forever stripped of the hallowed title of Greatest B-Side Ever. No contesting the triumphant material itself, but the approach of it all feels very, very wrong.

Sadly having not drowned in the vomit of the entire nation induced by Rudebox, Robbie Williams sneezes out Lovelight, an apparent cover of a song by someone we’re supposed to care about. An obnoxious jumble of high notes and textbook electro-squelches, it’s the polar opposite of Snow Patrol & Martha Wainwright’s striking Set The Fire To The Third Bar. A quietly epic musical delicacy, it not only highlights the remarkable diversity of Eyes Open but is a confident Single of the Week.

Fresh off the boyband conveyor belt are 365, a band so trite and clueless, said conveyor belt is evidently jerking awkwardly whilst chugging out black smoke. Curiously, One Touch reworks the demo version of Liberty X’s No. 48 ‘smash’ X, a fact that proves 365 will have a hard time ascending from their starting point at the bottom of the sewage-storing barrel, and that we here at The Sloppy Dog should be ashamed for even knowing what a demo version of a track that reached No. 48 sounds like.

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