The 'Ump: "A Moment Like This"

This year's X Factor has been a right funny one, eh? Boy bands with gender issues; frontrunners stopped in their tracks before the live shows; Louis Walsh actually coming across better than his contemporaries; The Unconventionals... well, The Unconventionals. But nothing can match the nonsensical news that has just reached Sloppy Dog Towers.

We've learned, courtesy of Digital Spy, that the winner's single has been selected as A Moment Like This, the debut single of bellowing K-Mart cashier, purveyor of pogde, and apparent American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson. A song that was eventually relegated to Bonus Track status when they realised teefing Slaguilera cast-offs was far more effective. A song that's since provided the stiltonised audio to Sandals adverts. A song so absolutely bereft of original thought, even bloody Westlife haven't touched it.

Have we learned nothing from the whole Sound of the Underground vs Sacred Trust non-debacle? There's a pattern as clear as Aisleyne's green dress between gungey, insipid, I-am-here balladry and a steep drop into the unforgiving shitter. Evergreen. Anything Is Possible. All This Time. That's My Goal. Seriously, how did Simon Cowell ever claw his way out of the BMG postroom? Sure, you're a millionaire mogul turned supposedly omnipotent pop guru, but mistakes like this only remind us that you're also responsible for some of the biggest fuck-ups in modern music. Girl Thing, anyone?

So, that's that. Once again, the Great British public invest months of Saturday night eye-squaring, spend small fortunes on the extortionate phonelines, not to mention the desolate hopefuls who put themselves firmly in the firing line in front of millions week after week, and for what? An insulting, re-harvested spunkrag of a song doubling as a one-way ticket to Brooksteinville. Farewell, Leona/Ben/Eton Road - we knew thee well, and liked you in drastically varying levels.