Mika - Life In Cartoon Motion (Island)

You've heard the song ad nauseum for the past month. It hasn't left your skull – having initially claimed squatter's rights, it has since developed its own civilisation and evolved a million years. You've also probably been mowed down several times by the marketing juggernaut and its reckless desperation to shine every available spotlight on the supposed Next Big Thing™.

In fairness, we'd be worried if people's ears didn't prick up at the arrival of Mika, PR or no PR, bifro or no bifro. Love him or hate him, you'd have a hard time denying he's drastically different, both musically and stylistically. But, as far as we're concerned, that's where the tiniest iota of respect comes to a sudden halt. The vile, uncomfortable lead single is the perfect window into the car accident at the end of the plastic rainbow, with Life In Cartoon Motion managing to annoy and offend to an extent that only Grace Kelly could pre-empt.

And beneath the day-glo caterwauling, there remains little in the way of substance. Billy Brown addresses the tale of a bloke who realises he's a gayer. Well, who'da thunk it?! In this day and age?? Hardly ground-breaking stuff from any source, but from a man whose entire schtick is a kaleidoscopic mess of limp wrists and high notes? Please. Is it really too much to expect a Number One musician to think outside of the box?

Relax, Take It Easy shows the promise of some kind of pleasantly understated, disco-lite He-Annie, before its true nature is revealed as one of Jake Shears' stolen wankerchiefs used to fertilise the drying eggs of Tina Cousins. Elsewhere, absolutely nothing can justify the helium/valium compound of Lollipop being created, or, even more embarrassingly, performed by a male. In the highly unlikely event that Mika was born with testicles, he deserves to have them unceremoniously chopped off for crimes against his gender. And generation. And species.

With such a fervent, pungent combination of cockiness and cheese, we steadfastly refuse to believe that Mika isn't a winner of an overseas version of the Pop Idol format. And please note, by saying "overseas", we're not attempting to be, in any way, 'racial'. On the topic of geography though, the Lebanese/French/English/American spiel puked any which way by more tired media outlets is supposedly some sort of excuse for his awkward aural schizophrenia. Life In Cartoon Motion suggests Mika's mindset is somewhere in Cuckooland, or some sort of alternate reality where he's so well received he manages to top the charts on downloads alone for a fortnight. Oh…

It's probably safe to assume Mika will be as colossal a hit as Grace Kelly would already suggest. We won't even begin to fathom the reasoning behind this, as, in conclusion, we think the easiest answer would be that we just don't 'get' it. So if it's your cup of own-brand Red Label, good for you. But fuck us sideways, this shit is phantasmagorical levels of bad. We'll be in the underground bunker if anyone needs us.