Single Reviews 12/02/07

Well readers, this is a huge relief. We were worried that perhaps a snowdrift or frostbite or full-on hypothermia or an attack from newly-indigenous polar bears would prevent us bringing you this week’s Single Reviews. Seriously, London, it was a light dusting. Calm the fuck down.

Love or hate Akon (we imagine ‘hate’ will be the option most of you go for), he at least tends to carve his own niche which is commendable. However, the commonplace R&B whinges of I Wanna Love You combined with the dull-ass routine rap of Snoop Dogg fills in said niche with Polyfilla.

Next up, allow us to introduce you to an up-and-coming band called Snow Patrol, whose 2006 single Chasing Cars barely registered on the airplay charts. It’s depressing how runaway success can really put you off an artist, and not in a pretentious we-saw-them-first type way, but in an undiluted overkill way. Open Your Eyes is undoubtedly a decent track, but given it’s already developing an omnipresent soundbed standing, it’s only going to taint things further.

As if news of her pregnancy wasn’t enough, Emma Bunton hammers home the grown-up status she’s desperately pushing with All I Need To Know, a gentle floaty ballad with a resolute oomph deficit. Ticks the necessary boxes, sure, but it still isn’t Maybe. Incidentally, an artist with a dire need to grow up comes via the non-rock, tabloid-fellating, theatrical posturing of Donny Tourette and the entirely inept Towers of London. The utterly unmusical I’m A Rat reads like the “he’s behind you” of Tourette’s ham-fisted Widow Twanky, leaving nothing but the promise of lower and lower profile reality shows.

Finally, in yet another example of how the new singles chart has all but dissolved the release schedule, the exceptional Lil Star by the combined splendours of Kelis & Cee-Lo has yet to see the light of day in the real world. However, thanks to the wonder of the download, it’s been creeping up the charts for weeks now, and not without reason. After the tenuous Bossy, this cosmic-gospel anthem sees Kelis at the top of her game once again, claiming our Single of the Week. We just don’t know which week.