Honking Box Preview: Big Brother 8

It may have escaped your attention that a show called Big Brother is making its return to our screens tomorrow night. Actually, sarcasm isn’t necessarily required, as the launch of Big Brother 8 has been upstaged by the ongoing aftermath of the last Celebrity Big Brother, where it’s finally been confirmed that Jack Tweed was indeed a filthy racist and a generally repulsive pig-fucker. Not that the latter required any corroboration.

Then again, all the negative repercussions of Celebrity Big Brother are, in turn, generating further publicity for Big Brother 8. Curse you, blasted irony! *waves fist*

…Yeah, as if we’re not worryingly excited for the launch of the new series. Each year, we swear blind that this will be the series that we’ll skip, but the lure of the opening night is always too great. So this year, we’ve chosen to concede defeat early on and turn The Sloppy Dog into the Big Brother vehicle that it’s destined to become anyway.

While the scabloids have already begun to speculate on the Housemates, citing the usual suspects including “model”, “sex-mad gay bodybuilder” and “drag queen”, we’ve decided to go for a more useful tool to aid viewers during the launch night.

Those audition videos played prior to each Housemate’s entry supposedly provide an insight into their character, but history tells us that it’s rarely accurate. Take slack-jawed eejit Bonnuh from last year’s edition – an audition that will go down in history as the greatest one-minute VT of all time, yet, during her entire stay in the house, she uttered approximately three words. Only one of which was comprehensible.

So, with this in mind, we bring you The Big Brother Audition Tape Glossary – what you’re likely to hear, and what it really means…

THEY SAY:
“I’m mad, me! I’m just mad! You know how you can just be, like, mad? That’s what I’m like. I’m just totally mad! All my friends say I’m mad. And I am. I’m mad!”
THEY MEAN:
“I’ll be voted out first.”

THEY SAY:
“My goal is to be a millionaire by the time I’m 30.”
THEY MEAN:
“Yates’ PAs must bring in a few thousand quid a pop, right?”

THEY SAY:
“You either love me or hate me.”
THEY MEAN:
“It’s safe to assume you’ll hate me.”

THEY SAY:
“I’m a model and promotions girl.”
THEY MEAN:
“I work in a call centre, and once a month I hand out samples of Robinson’s Fruit Shoot in Manchester Piccadilly Station.”

THEY SAY:
“I don’t take no shit from anyone. If anyone fucks me off, I’ll get in their face and fucking tell them. I’ll absolutely rip you to fucking shreds if you get in my way. If I hate you, I’m gonna fucking tell you exactly what I fucking think of you.”
THEY MEAN:
“Would you all like to share my Galaxy?”

THEY SAY:
“Why does everyone have to be either gay or straight? There’s no such thing as gay or straight or bisexual. We are who we are, and I’m not willing to live in a pigeonhole.”
THEY MEAN:
“I’m a big ol’ bummer.”

THEY SAY:
“I want to be a presenter.”
THEY MEAN:
“Are my norks big enough for a Nuts spread?”

THEY SAY:
“My little boy is the most important thing in my life, and I’m doing this for him.”
THEY MEAN:
“Oh fuck it, the little shit lives with his Nan anyway. Who wants a butcher’s at me flange?”


(Be sure to keep an eye on The Sloppy Dog for regular occasional updates rants on the Big Brother 8 devastation shenanigans.)