Pussycat Dolls: The Search For The Next Doll (27 May)

The calamitously shitty Bank Holiday weekend weather means that possibly more people than usual will have seen the chronically non-grand finale to The Search For The Next Doll, a show undertaking the hunt for a new Pussycat Doll. We’d have tackled it earlier, but we didn’t want to ruin the cataclysmic ending for those of you still watching. Unlike Popjustice, who revealed a few weeks back that Asia bafflingly nailed the job.

Yes, Asia Nitollano, who at 19, is technically young enough to be Carmit’s daughter. And as a mother herself (in every sense of the word), highlights that Carmit could, in principle, be someone’s grandma. Asia spent the best part of the show sporting a permanent pussybum about songs, routines, burgers, fellow competitors, and presumably the fact she looks like a Torchwood weevil appearing on Stars In Their Eyes as Brandy.

A truly bizarre result, we’re sure you’ll agree. Then again, the judging panel included pillocks such as apparent industry deity Ron Fair, who chided Sisely for being “like Debbie Harry”. Hang your head in shame, Sisely! How dare you attempt to bring the spirit of one of contemporary music’s greatest females to a band completely bereft of artistry? Notable other Ron Fair gripes: $100 bills for their high value, and water for being too wet.

Heaven forbid Anastacia - who positively reeked of genuine star quality - made it into the group. She ATE, for Christ’s sakes! Surely any viewer could see she had a problem? A shot of her eating some toast, followed by a scene from two weeks earlier of her enjoying a salad, chased by a shot where her hair was considerably longer, tucking into an apple. Well, the blubbery old Biffa!

In hindsight, Asia claiming that spare spot at the back next to Kimberly is a blessing. As long-term loathers of the Pussycat Dolls, enjoying this series to such an extent made it a rather uncomfortable pleasure. And had one of the more likeable characters made it, we’d have to re-evaluate our opinion of the group altogether. So, while it remains a mystery as to how she actually did it, the fact that the nastiest contender won the show means we’re given a fresh gallon of bile to direct at the Syphilis Six (or Seven now, assuming Melody’s still in there somewhere).

In short: congratulations, Asia. Long may every Pussycat Dolls song, video and live performance continue to resemble Band of Gold: The Musical. You’ve made the world’s shittiest girl group a whole lot shittier, and for that, we thank you.