Single Reviews 21/05/07

Prior to this week’s Single Reviews, a brief open letter to Lily Allen: stop your whining, you miserable cow. It was Gordon Ramsay that implied you had a penis, not Cheryl Cole. We therefore challenge you to take Ramsay on, purely because we’d much prefer to see your awkward carcass flopped over his shoulder in the opening scene of next week’s F-Word, rather than a shot deer. Thanks! Love from The Sloppy Dog xx.

Somehow, Infernal are still going. Didn’t we cordially invite them to eat shit and die a second after we’d heard From Paris To Berlin? And yet here there are, squeezing out another foot-long curler of a turd onto the turntables of Romford. This one’s called I Won’t Be Crying, unfortunately not a sentiment that’ll be shared by anyone unlucky enough to actually hear it.

We’ve never taken Rihanna too seriously, even less so since it was pointed out to us that she looks like a token ethnic Bratz doll. Which is why we’re barely batting an eyelid at the arrival of Umbrella, hailed by numerous lesser other web outlets as nothing short of amazing. Aside from the fact the song is largely unremarkable in itself, her pronunciation of “um-ber-ella” is almost as grating as someone who pronounces chimney as “chimley”.

Let’s plaster over the fact Rihanna was once our Single of the Week - thankfully, we’ve come to our senses since then, and are pleased to bestow that honour upon the Pigeon Detectives this week. Shifting pace throughout, and bombarding your lugs with a frenzy of drums, I’m Not Sorry runs rings round the listener. Ending just as you’ve got your head around it, it provides a fantastic excuse to skip back to the beginning and allow the fun to recommence.

Seemingly in an attempt to distance herself from the devilish mugger persona carried throughout her Sugababes career, Mutya Buena comes over all kinds of affable in the breezy, sugary Real Girl. We actually quite enjoyed ‘street’ Mutya, and are hoping she hasn’t dissolved into a syrup of feminine affirmation and Lenny Kravitz samples.

Well, this makes things easy - a song that reviews itself in the title. The Kaiser Chiefs would have to pull something incredibly special out of the bag to excuse the abysmal Ruby, which was on a musical par with passing wind and following through. Everything Is Average Nowadays, sadly, does exactly what it says on the tin. Get thee back to the drawing board, Wilson, we want another Na Na Na Na Naa.