Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Honking Box Preview: The X Factor

Jeez, has this been a long time coming or what? With DanceX about as interesting as Kara-Louise from Big Brother, and Big Brother itself about as interesting as… well, Kara-Louise from Big Brother, the return of The X Factor couldn’t have come at a better time. Actually, it could have, as we’re attending a wedding on Saturday. Curses!

Still, the good ol’ hard-disk recorder can take care of that. Besides, we’re more concerned with the overall series, and the changes that’ll hopefully give the show a bit of a kick up the proverbial. Out goes Kate Thornton, and in comes Dermot O’Leary. Out goes Louis Walsh, in comes Dannii Minogue. Then in comes Louis Walsh again, bringing an entirely coincidental tidal wave of publicity with him.

Mind you, we’re sceptical about the new categories, in which kids as young as 14 can enter. And just a wee bit unenthusiastic about the presence of spazflaps supreme Fearne fucking Cotton taking over the ITV2 coverage.

Love or hate The X Factor, we’ve come up with a viewing method which will heighten the experience during the good bits, and hopefully drown out the bad bits altogether. Behold, the X Factor Drinking Game!

One sip if:
  • Coldplay’s Clocks or Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars are used in the soundbed at any point throughout the show
  • Someone performs Umbrella by Rihanna using a prop of the same name
  • Simon tells a contestant they’re the worst singer he’s ever heard
  • Louis focuses on the geography of a contestant in order to garner regional popularity

  • Sharon mispronounces a musical term, e.g. a capella becomes acapello, vibrato becomes vibratio, harmonise becomes harmonify

  • A drink is thrown by any party

  • Dermot tells someone he is “loving their work”

  • A sped-up shot of a snaking queue is used

  • Fearne fucking Cotton makes the official hand gesture for ‘rock’
  • Simon blames the parents

Two sips if:

  • A backstory relating to an illness is told (either the contestant’s own, or that of a relative)
  • There’s a montage of auditionees performing Kylie songs, featuring a selection of cringes from Dannii

  • Sharon is called away to an emergency of some description
  • A blubbery mum with a home perm and tits under her arms storms in, claiming the judges were wrong
  • A contender from DanceX, Britain’s Got Talent or Any Dream Will Do makes an appearance
  • Tony, Official X Factor Meathead, is dispatched to ‘escort’ a contestant from the audition room

A huge gulp if:

  • Brian Friedman gets more than five minutes of screentime

  • The choirgirl who was too young last year doesn’t get fasttracked to Boot Camp
  • Addictiv Ladies make a return
  • Simon makes an allusion – however vague – to Louis’ sexual preference

Down the entire glass if:

  • A contestant performs a track by Elephant Man, Ani DiFranco, N-Tyce or Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci
  • Steve Brookstein’s name is uttered
  • Sinitta dresses demurely
  • Sharon wins

[The Sloppy Dog advises that alcohol should be enjoyed in moderation, and that you play the X Factor Drinking Game responsibly. However, it should also be noted that getting utterly shitfaced is far more fun.]

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