The 'Ump: The Sheilas

Ordinarily, we wouldn’t give donate any portion of our schedule to novelty records. They come around, you hate them for a wee bit, then they’re gone, only to emerge again on clip shows hosted by Jimmy Carr. But every so often, a novelty song comes along that cannot go unnoticed. IT MUST BE STOPPED.

Not content in providing us with the single most annoying advertisement on television (although it must be said, only because the Frosties ad with the little cunt on the cherry-picker isn’t airing at the mo), the three “Aussie” scutters from the Sheila’s Wheels ads have signed a record deal, the fruits of which are inexplicably getting rotation across several music channels.

A joke too far, you might think. But it would seem that it’s no joke - because everything Pete Waterman does is a sincere and momentous endeavour of artistry and musicianship. Yes, fucking Pete Waterman is to blame for this abomination.

This is a man who still believes that some form of foul play resulted in One True Voice being beaten to Number One by Girls Aloud. Of course, it could never be the fact that a genre-forging, iconic behemoth of a pop anthem towers a thousand miles above an anaemic, piss-smelling cover of a Bee Gees Z-side. No, it was definitely something sneaky and underhanded.

Is there perhaps a way of getting an injunction of some sort, that prevents Pete Waterman from ever setting foot in a recording studio for the remainder of his years? Of course, we needn’t worry about him bothering any kind of live venues - God forbid he saw what a live instrument was and regretted all that convincing synthy goodness.

So be warned, dear readers, for not only will your ad breaks continue to be sullied by the twin-headed beast of aural and comsumer rape courtesy of Sheila’s Wheels, they’ll be infiltrating show content, possibly airwaves, and undoubtedly minds. Be very, very afraid. And - if you’re the lucky owner of a vagina - maybe think about getting your car insurance somewhere that isn’t intent on murdering pop music…