Thursday, March 13, 2008

Honking Box Preview: American Idol

Things have been rather scarce here lately, haven't they? Places to go, people to see and all that. Please accept our humblest apologies by way of this nice American Idol article we wrote for Lowculture, if you haven't already read it there. (Yes, we're cheating you with second-hand material. We'll pull our socks up soon. Promise.)

The auditions, the Hollywood juncture, and the ever-peculiar Top 24 episodes have been and gone, and we’re down to the live finals. And the final list has thrown up a few surprises, or more fittingly, surprise omissions. Mind you, Danny Noriega’s finger-snapping and Valley Girl cadence were never going to trigger dialling-induced RSI around the Bible Belt, whilst Asia’h Epperson frankly paid the price for displaying the revered American institution of nonsensical forename apostrophe use normally reserved for Ricki Lake guests.

So what are we left with? According to Ryan Seacrest, the most talented Top 12 in the history of American Idol. Meh. What does he know? Hey, fancy a significantly less obsequious rundown of who to put your money on..?

Ramiele Malubay
Aiming to go one better than fellow Filipina finalist Jasmine Trias (you remember her, all Hawaiian flowers and twee), Ramiele’s quite the belter, and more importantly, managed to get Simon Cowell on side early on. But then again, so did Raquelle from Hope, and it’ll be a dowdy day in Sinitta’s wardrobe before we hear from that one again.

David Cook
Pseudo-rocker whose inexplicably thick neck makes him appear deceptively fat. Having already gotten Cowell’s back up with a textbook “I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing this for America! Yeah!! U-S-A! U-S-A!” retort, it looked unlikely that David’s brand of watery McRawk would take him very far, until a surprisingly decent take on Lionel Richie’s Hello. No, really.

David Hernandez
Barman and go-go boy (if the internet is to be believed – and when has it ever been unreliable?) from Arizona, it seems Middle America is experiencing a second dose of Antonella Barba Syndrome and are up in arms at the mere idea of previous nudity. Nonetheless, it’s difficult to detract from an admirable confidence and impressive vocals (though the overplucked eyebrows go some way to managing it).

Brooke White
Wholesome, virginal Disney princess with a substantial talent. As happy to bang away at a piano or strum a guitar as she is trilling like a nightingale, Brooke musically bridges the gap between Karen Carpenter and Alicia Keys. And as her in-show USP was that she’s never seen a porno, she’s got the Christian vote if nothing else. A strong contender for the Top 3.

Carly Smithson
Tattoo parlour proprietor from Cork, who has had America’s gums flapping over the fact she released a major label album in 2001, a chunk of which went on to be recycled and caterwauled by Kelly Clarkson. Apparently, this also means she’s been shagging all three judges, founded freemasonry, and shot JFK. Still, ‘controversy’ aside, Carly displays the most impressive pipes in the contest. CailĂ­n maith!

Serial auditionee who finally made it to a stage where anyone begins to give a crap. Powerful voice and killer stage presence are nullified by atrocious velvet suits, and that’s before you even consider Simon Cowell’s ongoing habit of calling him “Jacuzzi”. Accidentally, of course, and not for the purposes of contrived televisual hilarity.

Kristy Lee Cook
Dainty country ‘n’ western songbird with little else of note. Simon has already decreed Kristy will be hard pushed to make it beyond the Top 10, so we shouldn’t have to endure her quarter-arsed LeAnn Rimes schtick for much longer. If only the same could be said about the blubbery scutter bellowing Love Machine in the Chicago Town sponsorship bumpers.

Amanda Overmyer
Somewhere between Amy Winehouse and Janis Joplin as performed by Cheryl Baker, nurse Amanda boasts a seasoned rock growl, comedy scat vocals, clumsy stage-trudging and hair like a petrified skunk. By far and away the most unique contestant, but America would be more likely to deport Oprah than crown Amanda their next Idol.

David Archuleta
Channelling a particularly squidgy compound of early Gareth Gates and a Labrador puppy, make way for a nation of females reaching screenwards to pinch his cheeks. In fairness, he also possesses one of the competition’s best voices, so expect a landslide victory followed by a lukewarm second album and a lengthy spell in drug rehab.

Michael Johns
While Carly flies the Irish flag, the considerably-gifted Michael Johns is the second contestant threatening to be a non-American American Idol. Hailing from Australia, Randy’s already likened him to Michael Hutchence. We’d have dismissed this as a lazy comparison relating solely to geography, though given it came off the back of a Simple Minds cover, it seems Paula’s been sharing her sweeties around the judging table.

Jason Castro
Dreadlocked muso who’s previously snuck into the spotlight as co-bumper-of-uglies with tweenage Lilith Fair fodder and MTV reality urchin, Cheyenne Kimball. Jason certainly displays a sizeable talent behind the mic, yet appears incapable of stringing a sentence together. Still, seeing Ryan Seacrest try to cope with the awkwardness of a one-word answer guarantees a few chuckles.

Syesha Mercado
Claims to be an actress, though a glimpse at her CV suggests she’s been as much of an actress as Jordan has a recording artist. Nevertheless, Florida native Syesha boasts a genial quirk, a decent pair of lungs, and one hell of a barnet. Additionally, she’s already got a hefty online army of supporters calling themselves “Faneshas”, which may well be the most gag-inducing name for a collective since “Fearne & Reggie”.

No comments:

Creative Commons Licence
The Sloppy Dog by is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.