Honking Box Review: The Apprentice

You can’t blame the Beeb for their staunch uber-boost of the fourth series of The Apprentice, nor can you hold it against the gazillions of media outlets resultantly frothing at the genitalia in anticipation. If last night’s opening episode was any indication of the series to come, the hype was more than justified.

Of course, it’s hammered in pretty early that Sir Alan Sugar is the be-all and end-all of the series – nay, the world – and the contestants are merely his playthings in this demented circus of unintentional hilarity.

Overall, the mix seems interesting enough. 16 people of all shapes, sizes, colours, ages and with varying levels of cuntishness, but all connected by the fact they’re each more interested in conference rooms, spreadsheets and meeting requests than in friendship, family or any form of social existence.

The whippersnapper contingent has been upped significantly, with a higher proportion of post-pubescent business rugrats than in any previous series. But the early standout contestant for us was Lucinda, whose choice of attire for meeting Sir Alan and her fellow opponents was an inexplicable tribute to Eurovision-era Scooch. It’s safe to assume, even at this early stage, that Lucinda will prove to be full-on batshit crazy.

Although this year's Official Bitch has yet to be identified (though let's face it, she'll be hard-pushed to match the part-human, part-lizard poisonfest that was Katie Hopkins), we've already filled Rory's naff Sloanite loafers with the impossibly even more smug Raif, a foppish fuckwit who seemingly believes it's charm that he's oozing from every pore, as opposed to putrid, smarmy ectoplasm.

Sadly, Raif survived to blow his own trumpet another week, as we bid adieu to Nicholas de Lacy Brown, owner of the ponciest name since Sir Marmaduke Hussey. Still, the firing of NDLB was no great loss – partially because he had a breakout of gayface so far advanced, he made American Idol’s David Hernandez look like Geoff Capes; and partially because he was a smug, annoying shite-hawk.

Rather disappointingly, Nick Hewer's immeasurable assortment of facial expressions all displaying befuddlement were not on show. However, this bunch appear to possess more than their fair share of all-out idiocy, so no doubt we'll see the full range before the third episode is done. Yes, we’re going to stick our necks out and predict that we’re going to enjoy this series of The Apprentice – in fact, we'll be watching this round Nice Old Black Lady From The Market's house, to enjoy a nice bowl of eel face broth. Mmmm...