Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Sloppy Dog's Worst of 2009: Singles

It’s been a busy year in the music industry, though sadly it seems labels are putting the majority of their efforts into thoughtless, genre-reversing pop and throwaway, forgettable dance. On the plus side, it means we’ve had a veritable diarrhoea smorgasbord to wade through and make our selections of musical cuntery from, so behold, 2009’s worst singles...

10. Shakira - She Wolf
During the Oral Fixation era, we came to develop an understanding of Shakira – not a tolerance, but an understanding – which allowed her to exist without us getting too angry about it. However, She Wolf absolutely tears the arse out of that, trumping even Whenever Wherever as the worst thing she’s ever done. Let’s take a moment to consider just one aspect of the song: SHE’S FUCKING HOWLING. Need we say more?

9. Lily Allen - Not Fair
It’s hard to believe, in a year where Lily Allen produces the two greatest songs of her career thus far (The Fear and Fuck You), she can also come up with the worst. Not Fair’s irksome primary-school melody coupled with classless, dim-witted lyrics make for an overall unbearable single. We’ll be thankful, then, that Not Fair was a mere one-off, and even more thankful that she’s finally put her spoiled tweenage social networking rants to bed.

8. Kelly Clarkson - My Life Would Suck Without You
A sentimental syrupfest dressed up in a cookie-cutter Max Martin cast-off, My Life Would Suck Without You saw Kelly Clarkson ditch the emo yearnings that sold diddly-squat and return to power-pop with her tail between her legs. Clearly she wasn’t too chuffed about it either, as this track is so horribly naff you almost wonder if she’s being sarcastic.

7. Annie Lennox - Shining Light
While Ash’s 2001 masterpiece may not instantly come to mind as a song that should never be touched, you’ll soon realise it should have been locked away in a leadlined room once you hear the vapid bloodbath treatment it’s given by Annie Lennox. Accompanied by a video that would have even Peter Stringfellow screaming “GROW OLD WITH DIGNITY!” at the telly, it’s perhaps the lowest point in an otherwise impressive career.

6. Tinchy Stryder & Taio Cruz - Take Me Back
We’d be hard-pushed to find something negative to say about Tinchy Stryder, but his appearance in our worst singles of the year comes courtesy of Taio Cruz, and his shockingly bad input into Take Me Back. The dullest, weakest chorus of the year is significantly worsened by the use of the non-word ‘misleaded’, and cements his status as the most irrelevant artist of 2009.

5. Eoghan Quigg - 28,000 Friends
The inexplicable success of Eoghan Quigg in last year’s X Factor was mercifully not repeated in the charts, with this nut-flecked stool of a song, penned by James ‘Cunt’ Bourne of Busted fame (and nothing else) bombing spectacularly, as did its accompanying album. And ironically, Eggnog’s MySpace page now only has 619 friends...

4. Calvin Harris - Ready For The Weekend
It’s hilarious that Calvin Harris chose to storm the X Factor stage when John & Edward were performing in some form of protest, as they can genuinely sing better than him. So while we’d usually be glad that he’s passed vocal duties to someone else, Ready For The Weekend sees an uninspired, repetitive bellow from a faceless backing brutus, making for the worst kind of gay anthem.

3. Mika - We Are Golden
Oh look, it’s perennial ‘favourite’ Mika claiming a place in our Worst Singles list for his third successive year. It was a colossal relief to see that whichever dark sorcery he used on the record-buying public finally wore off, with most of his output this year doing sweet FA, but that still doesn’t excuse this hateful, sadistic atrocity of a song, nor its retina-burning video. With any luck, he’ll be dropped in the New Year, though we’d also quite like to see if he can make our list four years running...

2. Pixie Lott – Mama Do (Uh-Oh)
We just can’t seem to get our heads round the idea of Pixie Lott. While it’s refreshing to see a young British popstar do well via a more traditional route, you can’t help but wonder how she achieved it with such utterly, utterly shit music. Oh that’s right – by permanently baring her arse cheeks in a fraction of a pair of hotpants. Every second this creature spends at the top of the charts, you can smell both pop music and feminism decomposing simultaneously.

1. Lady Gaga - Just Dance
Somehow, a bland, lacklustre song about precisely nothing became one of the biggest sellers of the year, and worse, set the Gaga train in motion. While later efforts at least had a touch of character and a notable chorus, Just Dance was pure unadulterated beige, merely dressed up in glitter. Add a wholly irrelevant cameo from spectacularly-underachieving nonentity Colby O’Donis to the mix, and you’re left with the most bewildering and frustrating success story of 2009.

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