Good evening, one and all, for another healthy dose of bile-spewing, with hapless popstars our moving targets - more commonly known as the Single Reviews. This week's line-up sees an ex-Eastender who once gave our buddy Neelam some grief; a mismatched boyband who look as though Louis Walsh cobbled them together in X Factor Boot Camp, but surprisingly, didn't; and a rapping rocker who used to stick it in Katy Perry. *sets dial to Bile Tsunami*
Attempting a transition from Albert Square to Madison Square Gardens (bear with us – we’ll think of a better one during the week) is
Preeya Kalidas. Her previous stab at pop, the awesomely-daft
Shakalaka Baby, set the bar high. But sadly, even the urban-skewed arrangements and guest rap courtesy of Mumzy Stranger can’t disguise the fetid cheese, making
Shimmy less Michelle Gayle and more Michelle Collins.
The sickening outbreak of Bieber Fever means the market for training-bra dampeners is lucrative once more, and
The Wanted are quick off the mark to cash in. In fairness, boyband numbers are rarely as impressive as
All Time Low – amidst the clichéd squeemaking and colourless lyrics, there’s a mightily strong melody and almost Coldplayesque backing. So while the band themselves are a clumsy mix of goofy plumbers, wannabe-ethnics and trilling foetuses, the music’s – honestly – not all that bad.
And finally,
Single of the Week, which is awarded to
Travie McCoy featuring Bruno Mars. Quite why Travis chose to alter his name to sound like a Rugrats character is unclear, but little can detract from the soothing brilliance of
Billionaire. A touch of Jason Mraz-style sun-kissed strummage, with a Jamaican stopover and a dash of lyrical hip-hop posturing combine nicely to create what will inevitably become the airplay monster of the summer.
Attempting a transition from Albert Square to Madison Square Gardens (bear with us – we’ll think of a better one during the week) is Preeya Kalidas. Her previous stab at pop, the awesomely-daft Shakalaka Baby, set the bar high. But sadly, even the urban-skewed arrangements and guest rap courtesy of Mumzy Stranger can’t disguise the fetid cheese, making Shimmy less Michelle Gayle and more Michelle Collins.
The sickening outbreak of Bieber Fever means the market for training-bra dampeners is lucrative once more, and The Wanted are quick off the mark to cash in. In fairness, boyband numbers are rarely as impressive as All Time Low – amidst the clichéd squeemaking and colourless lyrics, there’s a mightily strong melody and almost Coldplayesque backing. So while the band themselves are a clumsy mix of goofy plumbers, wannabe-ethnics and trilling foetuses, the music’s – honestly – not all that bad.
And finally, Single of the Week, which is awarded to Travie McCoy featuring Bruno Mars. Quite why Travis chose to alter his name to sound like a Rugrats character is unclear, but little can detract from the soothing brilliance of Billionaire. A touch of Jason Mraz-style sun-kissed strummage, with a Jamaican stopover and a dash of lyrical hip-hop posturing combine nicely to create what will inevitably become the airplay monster of the summer.
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