Single Reviews 14/08/06

Welcome to this week’s Single Reviews. Bearing that in mind, text ‘Aisleyne’ to 84444, or call 09011 32 33 14. Alternatively, you could text ‘Aisleyne’ to 84444, or call 09011 32 33 14. Or, if the mood takes you, you could call 09011 32 33 14, or ‘Aisleyne’ to 84444. Get where we’re going with this?

Five years ago, we hated Misteeq. We hated garage, we hated MCing, we hated cheap-looking weaves. But somewhere along the line, we developed a tolerance, which later became a fondness. Most probably, this soft spot came thanks to Alesha, true star of the group and now solo star in her own right. Debut solo single Lipstick, an insanely catchy, forthright call-to-arms for the laydeez, is our Single of the Week [twenty-year-old-self hangs head in shame].

Next up, low-rent buzz biatch Cassie with her debut Me & U (You), which, aside from the most preposterously pointless use of additional bracketed words in the entire history of song titles, brings approximately fuck all to the table. Devoid of originality, duller than shite, and floundering in a puddle of Costcutter massage oil, this is a harsh lesson in how not to do R & B.

The Divine Comedy almost match the untouchable splendour of My Lovely Horse with To Die A Virgin, a smart slice o’ slapstick that doesn’t drench the quirkily pleasant melody. Meanwhile, from the ashes of Linkin Park comes… well, Blazin’ Squad evidently. Fort Minor’s embarrassing Where’d You Go is a ghastly rap-ballad cess pond, like the imagined wedding of Abs from 5ive to one of the Wilson Phillips, officiated by Rooster. Vile, spineless, musical offal.

A double dose of middle-of-the-detergent-aisle dullness courtesy of X-Factor ejectee Maria Lawson, and omnipresent grunting wankstain Ronan Keating. The former’s debut effort Sleepwalking picks up where Gabrielle mysteriously vanished, an FM-favourable humalong that could well lead to medium-sized things. Sadly, the latter – a squeamish cover of Goo Goo Dolls’ Iris – is like the dried-on chunks of turd on the tail of a dog you didn’t even like anyway.

Finally, Aisleyne to win. Also, Aisleyne to win. But on the other hand, Aisleyne to win. And to summarise, Aisleyne to win.