This week's Celebrity News with Cristiano Ronaldo

Good morrow to you, my dears - tis I, most resplendent thespian, Cristiano Ronaldo. I've performed upon some of the most hallowed stages in theatre, though the more common Sloppy Dog-reading layman may be more familiar with my fine acting work upon the vast green pitches of numerous sanctified stadia. And while one is thoroughly contented with the hammy histrionics displayed through numerous footballing junctures, perhaps it's time to give something to you - the little people. I bringeth this week's Celebrity News.

Whilst honing my capable dive-and-roll technique the other day, I was informed of the news that the Pussycat Dolls are to begin a televised quest for a new member. Good luck to the scarlet harridans in their search, and to quote the Immortal Bard, "Have more than thou showest, speak less than thou knowest, lend less than thou owest". Namely, one advises that the new Doll locks Nicole in the proverbial bog, in the hope of obtaining any form of media attention.

One is most displeased to learn of the news that Wendy Richard is to withdraw her talents from the lowculture bastion that is Eastenders. It would appear the good woman is melancholic towards the writers' decision to have Pauline Fowler enter wedlock once again. Tis a shame, for a fine actor is she. She has nothing on my Lady Macbeth, but a fine actor nonetheless.

Conclusively, there lurks great vehemence regarding the re-entry of four dispossessed Housemates into the waning Big Brother homestead. Many a spectator has protested about their money being depleted on expelling these jesters, only to have them reinstated. One recommends that these discontented viewers hurl their bodies at the feet of Davina McCall, and maketh the claim that she kneed them in their bollocks. Never fails.

(Sponsored by Elastoplast – providers of high-tech earshielding devices to dramatic Portuguese poofters)