Thursday, October 05, 2006

Honking Box Preview: Totally Boyband (again!)

We’re aware it’s only been approximately, like, a day since we last flagged up the treat-for-your-nasty-side that is MTV’s Totally Boyband. But, against all our better judgment, we’re discovering that this series just gets more and more watchable.

But it’s nothing to do with Upper Street themselves that makes the show what it is. Sure, we’re loving the uninhibited bitchiness that we never thought a group of heterosexual males could be capable of. Lee’s patented camera-nods remain as pathetically funny as ever. And it must be cited that Bowers is actually quite the comic. However, the bona fide star of the show is Roseann McBride, a true work of evil amongst a blue bus full of dribbling dolts.

Visually somewhere between Victoria Newton and Grotbags, and deafeningly loud, pushy beyond comprehension and downright frightening, Roseann works for Concept Records – a company that proudly hangs posters of Phixx and Jamie Benson on their walls. Upper Street are in good hands, eh?

This week’s episode sees a showdown between Roseann and band manager Jonathan Shalit, who seems to be a nice chap but looks, talks and dresses like a Wind In The Willows character. Pivotal line: "Did you just hang up on me, you cunt?!"

We’re crossing EVERYTHING that Totally Boyband is capable of raising Roseann’s profile enough to make her a quasi-celebrity in her own right. It is a necessity that this woman and her harrying wickedness become a global entity, for the sole purposes of our sick viewing gratification.

Just imagine sticking her in Celebrity Fit Club, leaving seven foot of dietary drill sergeant crying for his teddy, while she stomps off defiantly to enjoy a plate of deep-fried pork pies in batter and Max Bloom’s testicles. Or what if Roseann had participated in the recent Celebrity Wife Swap? Even Edwina Currie was no match for John McCririck, but our Roseann would soon see the toxic womble off. Go, Rosie.

Oh, and there’s a boyband involved somewhere, isn’t there? Lee finally gets the chop this week, cramming in a bevy of Latchtastic lines before he disappears. Amongst his closing quotes, he describes his voice as "hussy". Bless.


Kaz Kat said...

OMG i totally luv Lee latchford evans he is sooooo hot LOL i want 2 kiss his face and everyfin and everyfin

wen he looks at the camera me and my mate ellie are like PHWOARRR and then ellie says shut up he's mine and i say don't try take him off me then she goes i ain't no man-teef.

lee ur so hot!! i want to stamp on danny wood's throat 4 kickin u out of upper street

luv Kat

Static&Silent said...

Fantastic review. Whatever happens to Upper Street, Roseann should have her own show. She is the scariest woman I've ever seen.

And I know he's totally useless but am I the only one to feel slightly sorry for Lee? He's no more useless than Jimmy.

al said...

Oh, but of course. Poor ol' The Latch deserves nothing but pity. He needs a hug, an injection of charisma, and another hug.

Fair point about Jimmy, BTW. Being the luggage in any band has got to be demeaning, but being the luggage in 911 takes it to new levels of embarrassment.

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