Honking Box Preview: The X Factor

It’s come to our attention recently that an admission that you watch The X Factor is usually met with a disapproving grumble. So we’ve chosen to champion this shining example of trash genius and wax lyrical in the face of the haters – behold, as The Honking Box extols the wonders of Saturday night’s current treasure trove of low culture...

With the final selections about to be made, the show is at its apex – let’s face it, the ropey renditions of If You’re Not The One once the live shows begin replace the addictive aspect with toe-curling mortification worse than the audition rounds.

In true Sloppy Dog fashion, we’ll dish out the unpleasant analysis first, as that’s what comes naturally. Now, him out of Eton Road. You know the one – all campness and collarbone. Visually, we’ve come to the conclusion he’s a small part Jake Shears tribute act, a large part Paul O’Grady, and just a smidge of Roswell incident. Vocally, he’s not bad. And they’ve induced the first ever worthwhile line to leave the rancid gob of Louis Walsh (the details are foggy, but it was along the theme of "oh no, four hairdressers"). But are we the only ones who want to take a shower for every second of screen time the razor-boned gurner receives?

We're already bored with Simon Cowell's unfaltering praise of Ashley. He has the face of a terminally ill Chris Martin, the barnet of a homeless Macy Gray and a voice on par with June Sarpong for sheer annoyance. History has taught us that people this aggravating generally do pretty damn well, so we're hoping to build up enough tolerance antibodies to get through the live shows without booting in the telly.

So, onto the bits we actually like, not that we don’t enjoy the above car accidents – it’s all part of the X Factor experience. We’ve lost Identical, who were shaping up to be this year’s comedy entrant (previous years have given us Chico and Two To Go), so it’s up to The Unconventionals who we predict will provide us with hysterical six-part a capella doo-wop versions of Why Does It Always Rain On Me and Oops I Did It Again.

Having only just recovered from the gutting blow that saw Addictiv Ladies go Fila-over-weave at the first hurdle, we're reluctant to back another underdog. Which isn't too hard, as this year's underdog - six-year-old jelly-legged Sean - is like your annoying younger cousin being pushed by Mammy to sing "his" favourite Ronan Keating song at a family christening with dried ice cream round his snotty mouth.

So instead, we're opting to back Jonathan, better known as The One Wot Looks After His Mum. Of course, all X Factor contestants must be defined by their tale of sorrow, be it The One Wot's In A Wheelchair, or The One Wot Sang Bonnie Raitt At Her Mum's Funeral, or The One Wot Tripped Over A Large Dog And Broke Her Back. And for those who didn't see, that last one was a genuine entrant's genuine backstory. Kate Thornton deserves a medal for not collapsing in a puddle of piss and giggles.

But we digress. Aside from being mentored by Sharon Osbourne, the greatest talent show judge since Nina Myskow and her pink-blazered anger on New Faces, Jonathan is (a) a tremendously nice guy, (b) non-sickeningly-warbly, (c) non-ugly, and (d) non-Ashley. To summarise, The Sloppy Dog hearts Jonathan. He's no Aisleyne, but sadly she's not here to heart (although her Fix Up, Look Sharp would've at least got her to Boot Camp).

Saturday will tell us whether we’re anywhere near correct in our predictions/unwanted opinions, but right or wrong, it’s fair to say it’ll be massively entertaining. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to go usher some large dogs away from some stairs, before they have someone’s spine out...