Dear readers, before we tackle this week’s Single Reviews, let us remember a significant anniversary – it’s six years to the day that the final Spice Girls single was released. Had The Sloppy Dog existed as anything more than a transient notion back in 2000, it’s fair to say Holler would have been the most easily-guaranteed Single of the Week EVER. As a mark of remembrance, we declare that October 23rd is Holler Day, a tribute to an R&B pop classic light years ahead of its time. Hoo-ray! Hoo-ray! It’s a Holler Holler Day! Etc, etc.
Beyoncé is woman who we respect for openly praising
Holler back when approximately only 12 other people liked it, but is more often than not a woman we could care less about. However, she’s fucking
nailed it for the first time since
Crazy In Love via the gorgeous
Irreplaceable. Like a quietly-urban take on Natalie Imbruglia’s
Torn, we’re spared the jiggling power-diva and presented with a capable musician. Ten quid says she nicked the song off Kelly Rowland.
Next up, a one-off column we like to call
The Oooh-Zone. Thank God it’s a one-off, as that name would get pretty old pretty quick. Both releasing oooh-themed tracks this week are
The Kooks with the dreary, beige, humdrum
Ooh La, and the patchy-at-best
Girls Aloud who cap their
career thus far with
Something Kinda Ooooh, which reads like a culmination of all their bestest bits, boosted by an injection of original sparkle. To summarise, the former should be thoroughly ashamed for not living up to the excitement induced by an oooh-referencing title, and the latter should be kept as far away from the disgustingly poor video as is practicable – thus concluding
The Oooh-Zone on
Holler Day. Sweet Jesus, we should be shot.
Having a voice that could grate refrigerated cheddar at 100 paces, and being hazardously close to Fergie and Mary J. Bilge (still not a typo) in the rankings of Mingingest Musician Ever, we’ve never been too keen on gruffty tramp-bag
Amy Winehouse. But the powers contained within comeback single
Rehab are too great to even begin fighting. Sixties girl group doo-wop meets smoky, fuck-the-lot-of-youse digi-jazz, this is what Christina Aguilera’s calamitous
Back To Basics “project” should have sounded like, and is our
Single of the Week. Mind you, it’s no
Holler.
Despite providing us with arguably the most disappointing debut album in years, we’re truly thankful to have
The Magic Numbers back, particularly in the form of
Take A Chance, another heavenly gem which hopefully indicates the quality of the forthcoming album better than
Forever Lost did. And finally, we come to a band that we feel we have a special connection with – not because we like them, but because they’ve provided countless
unintentional mirth over the past couple of months.
Upper Street finally hit the shops with
The One, not a disastrous song in itself, but turn the volume way up and you’ll faintly hear Roseann sending the buying teams off to HMV while Jonathan Shalit’s back is turned. God help the poor bastards.
Dear readers, before we tackle this week’s Single Reviews, let us remember a significant anniversary – it’s six years to the day that the final Spice Girls single was released. Had The Sloppy Dog existed as anything more than a transient notion back in 2000, it’s fair to say Holler would have been the most easily-guaranteed Single of the Week EVER. As a mark of remembrance, we declare that October 23rd is Holler Day, a tribute to an R&B pop classic light years ahead of its time. Hoo-ray! Hoo-ray! It’s a Holler Holler Day! Etc, etc.
Beyoncé is woman who we respect for openly praising Holler back when approximately only 12 other people liked it, but is more often than not a woman we could care less about. However, she’s fucking nailed it for the first time since Crazy In Love via the gorgeous Irreplaceable. Like a quietly-urban take on Natalie Imbruglia’s Torn, we’re spared the jiggling power-diva and presented with a capable musician. Ten quid says she nicked the song off Kelly Rowland.
Next up, a one-off column we like to call The Oooh-Zone. Thank God it’s a one-off, as that name would get pretty old pretty quick. Both releasing oooh-themed tracks this week are The Kooks with the dreary, beige, humdrum Ooh La, and the patchy-at-best Girls Aloud who cap their 
career thus far with Something Kinda Ooooh, which reads like a culmination of all their bestest bits, boosted by an injection of original sparkle. To summarise, the former should be thoroughly ashamed for not living up to the excitement induced by an oooh-referencing title, and the latter should be kept as far away from the disgustingly poor video as is practicable – thus concluding The Oooh-Zone on Holler Day. Sweet Jesus, we should be shot.
Having a voice that could grate refrigerated cheddar at 100 paces, and being hazardously close to Fergie and Mary J. Bilge (still not a typo) in the rankings of Mingingest Musician Ever, we’ve never been too keen on gruffty tramp-bag Amy Winehouse. But the powers contained within comeback single Rehab are too great to even begin fighting. Sixties girl group doo-wop meets smoky, fuck-the-lot-of-youse digi-jazz, this is what Christina Aguilera’s calamitous Back To Basics “project” should have sounded like, and is our Single of the Week. Mind you, it’s no Holler.
Despite providing us with arguably the most disappointing debut album in years, we’re truly thankful to have The Magic Numbers back, particularly in the form of Take A Chance, another heavenly gem which hopefully indicates the quality of the forthcoming album better than Forever Lost did. And finally, we come to a band that we feel we have a special connection with – not because we like them, but because they’ve provided countless 
unintentional mirth over the past couple of months. Upper Street finally hit the shops with The One, not a disastrous song in itself, but turn the volume way up and you’ll faintly hear Roseann sending the buying teams off to HMV while Jonathan Shalit’s back is turned. God help the poor bastards.
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