Honking Box Review: Nigella Express

Fucking hell, we absolutely worship Nigella here at The Sloppy Dog. Not only did she introduce us to the ironic ambrosia that is Coca-Cola Ham, but we heart the fact that she seemingly writes her recipes in the style of Chaucer. Sure, it means we have to keep a dictionary handy whilst attempting to prepare St Tropez Chicken, but it's hard not to respect that kind of unnecessary wordsmithery.

But if there's one thing that's reminded us just how unbelievably ace Nigella is, it's her new show Nigella Express. Supposedly a whizz through a wealth of instant dinner solutions, Nigella Express is akin to watching a science fiction show, it's so far removed from normality.

"These are all things you'll have in your freezer," coos Nigella in a tone that makes the M&S ad orgasmo-voice sound like the vocal ship's horn of June Sarpong. "Shell-on king prawns, prime unicorn fillets, platinum-dipped rainbows..."

As escapist fantasy goes, you can't get much better than an untouchable kitchen deity talking you through the whimsical contents of her larder, as though it's the stockroom of a Diagon Alley spellmonger's. Hell, she has a LARDER, for Christ's sakes. That's near-mythological in itself, regardless of the content of it.

Let's not forget that this is a woman who picks up her son from his mate's house in a black cab. Her son who, incidentally, looks like an infant Klaxon. You can just picture Nigella once the cameras have stopped rolling: "Now Bruno, be a darling and take off those preposterous neon skinny jeans. You know Mummy doesn't like nu-rave at the supper table. And do brush your hair - it'd be ghastly should you get Chantilly cream in your fringe."

Seriously, who else on television could talk about entirely habitually about an octopus salad, as though it were a bag of Walkers? And who else could sneak to the fridge in the middle of the night to wrap a lamb chop in a slice of ham - a snack worthy of Homer Simpson - and devour it on the spot, yet somehow make it look elegant?

This is why we heart Nigella. She's not a real person. She's like the greatest sketch show character ever devised, living in a make-believe world of oils and liqueurs and thesaurus-speak. That said, some friends of The Sloppy Dog attended a wedding recently, where Nigella herself had made the wedding cake (a lemon sponge with coconut icing, if you're interested in the specifics). Their review? "Surprisingly average. But Nigella looked immaculate". Ah, Nigella Lawson: truly the stuff of legends.