Friday, September 21, 2007

Single Reviews 24/09/07

We’d like to dedicate this week’s Single Reviews to the wonderful Sloppy Dog cohorts Kat ‘n’ Bert, who tie the knot this weekend. Sadly, the release schedule has not thrown up any suitable gems, such as I Do I Do I Do I Do I Do, or Crashed The Wedding, or If My Cunting Cake Doesn’t Turn Up On Time I’m Going To Kill Every Fucking Wanker That Looks At Me. Huge congratulations! *applauds*

Returning to the fray armed with a double A-side this week is Shayne Ward. First up, If That’s Ok With You is a formulaic Nordic mid-tempo-by-numbers, featuring backing vocals from The Chipmunks (or possibly Joey Lauren Adams) and sweet FA in the way of originality. And yet, it’s hard to dislike - what sorcery is this?! Whatever it is, he could’ve done with applying some to No U Hang Up, a sub-Ne*Yo R&B gunger. Still, you’ve got to give him props for achieving a fair amount while his label, management and entire squad shifts focus onto fucking Leona.

The Black Eyed Peas have produced some utter shit in their career. And yet, it’s hard to deny Shut Up and Request Line. So you have to wonder why Will.I.Am is choosing to ride the tidal wave of diarrhoea in the catastrophic I Got It From My Mama, rather than channel the few things he’s actually done right. Clearly, he’s chasing Fergie for title of Cuntiest Pea (although it’s safe to assume that will always belong to dancing skeleton Taboo). Shockingly, shockingly bad.

Katie Melua evokes the sound of a million W.I. meetings in the horrific If You Were A Sailboat. In spite of its title, there’s unfortunately no reference to nautical rough-bird Dame Ellen McArthur. Instead, it’s pure, undiluted Melua - drippy, awkward and tiresome, with those characteristically embarrassing lyrics that induce a feeling of shame for being the same species as her.

Finally, claiming a well-deserved Single of the Week are the Sugababes, who make a triumphant return with the stupendous About You Now. Optimistic, energetic and classy, it’s a perfect example of how to progress your sound (Girls Aloud, take note), with added Amelleness just to underline that change ain’t such a bad thing after all. Except in the case of a shit new haircut, which sadly this week, comes from personal experience. Although it could probably apply to Keisha too, in fairness...

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