Friday, December 21, 2007

The Sloppy Dog's Worst of 2007: Singles

10. Reverend & The Makers - Heavyweight Champion of the World
After happily gushing about our favourite TV shows, it’s time to expel some pent-up venom. And where better to start than with Reverend & The Makers? The ultimate in Stella-induced Yates karaoke, this lumbering mess of a song somehow stumbled into the Top Ten back in June. And having heard the grotesque album, we can confirm that Heavyweight Champion of the World was just the tip of a particularly forbidding iceberg, inhabited by vicious walruses.

9. Natasha Bedingfield - I Wanna Have Your Babies
We’ve always held an indifferent take-her-or-leave-her approach to Natasha Bedingfield, but there was absolutely no pardoning this horrific piece of work. It’s one thing being frank; it’s another thing altogether spilling your forlorn fem-spiel in its entirety, quickly dissolving any chance of male interest for the next five years. Such disgorged, desperate sentiment invoked a somewhat heady career dive, and rightly so.

8. Arctic Monkeys - Brianstorm
We’ve made every effort not to even acknowledge the existence of the Overrated Apes here on the Sloppy Dog. While it’s possible that our lack of coverage might not damage their career too heavily, it’s more in the hope that if we believe hard enough that they don’t actually exist, then it might come true. Well, they are fairies aren’t they? Moving swiftly on, Brianstorm was a gawkily literal brouhaha of bollocks and overall highly unpleasant on the ear - in short, classic Arctic Monkeys.

7. Mika - Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)
The first of several appearances from the grating, bemopped cuntrag in our list, and not without reason. While Mika himself is obviously an insufferable creature, let’s take a moment to focus specifically on the song - a demonic anthem of obesity, targeted at the most despondent fag-hags, who, if the video is any indication, lapped it up in spades. A hundred fat birds jiggling down Surrey Street Market behind a wiry gay scarecrow? It’s like the Pied Piper as interpreted by Hell’s least exclusive stage school.

6. M.I.A. - Jimmy
Strange how such a contrived, cod-political, soapbox-dwelling “serious” artist can ditch her neverending messages of opinionated codswallop in a gnat’s cock, presumably in the hope of shifting a few more units. On the basis of Jimmy at least, that’s what M.I.A. has attempted to do, and not with much panache. A squelchy disco catastrophe with the soul sucked firmly out of it, we almost preferred her falsetto fuckwittery splashing around in the Ganges, or her foghorn hollering from ‘da streetz’.

5. Christina Aguilera - Candyman
Two years in a row now, Aggie’s made an apperance in our countdown of cack. However, last year’s offender, Ain’t No Other Man, virtually sounds like Bohemian Rhapsody in comparison to this cataclysmic wartime wankfest. Whoever talked Christina - who, let’s not forget, was once a relevant and respected pop artist - into creating a soundtrack to rationing vouchers should be shot. Although ironically, an air-raid siren would have provided more favourable listening.

4. Kate Nash - Mouthwash
Ah, just what we needed this year. A gobby, sanctimonious scutter with an opinion on everything, who’s come to pollute the charts with her charmless Mockney sewage. Jeez, at least we can muster a tolerance for Lily Allen’s sound-offs, given that she’s got a bit of talent to back it up. Mouthwash, however, is the mark of a discordant tramp intent on raping the English language with her disastrous lyrics. An utter cunt, and no mistaking.

3. Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby
To think that this was the same band that brought us the majestic Employment. The most overrated song of the year, it almost physically hurt to see such utter unpleasant tripe receiving acclaim from every single media outlet, and subsequently stampeding its way to Number One. Aside from bearing one of the worst choruses committed to record, it also brought to light an exasperating smugness from Ricky Wilson, which we’d happily see slapped off his face in the hope it returned them to former glories. Until then, Kaiser Chiefs, fuck right off. Please.

2. Mika - Love Today
Oh, look who’s back for another appearance in our list! A certain slime-secreting troll who foolishly believes he carries some form of sexual ambiguity despite being camper than a collision of Kenneth Williams and Liberace while eating pink iced buns at a Kylie Minogue concert. From the shrill chants that open proceedings, through each Happy-Meal-optimistic line of the verses, to the frankly distressing chorus, Love Today is four minutes of malicious, ear-terrorising anguish.

1. Mika - Grace Kelly
And of course, the top spot couldn’t have gone to any other artist. Although Mika’s not so much an artist as the Devil’s representative here on Earth, spreading his own brand of helium-induced malevolence. Well, the forces of good clearly stopped Sandi Thom in her tracks, so someone had to do it. Had the obnoxious Lollipop been released yet, it would’ve been a strong contender for Grace Kelly’s spot, but for now we’ll bathe in the unlawful high notes, ham-fisted lyrics, an overall sentiment to make your skin crawl, and of course, the “ker-ching!” which is the shit-caked cherry atop the infinite layers of odious musical manure. “Hate” is not strong enough. Merry Christmas, Mika!

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