The Sloppy Dog's Worst of 2007: TV

10. BBC News at 8
We’re not too big on news here at The Sloppy Dog - we proudly revel in all things at the lower end of the culture scale. But this recent addition to BBC One’s schedule is truly shambolic. The clumsily hasty tone… the 45 degree angle that Kate Silverton is made to stand at (so clearly uncomfortably)… the funereal black background… all very ropey. And it’s safe to say such cheap, ineffective blue screen technology hasn’t been used since they nearly shorted Television Centre to make Wordy appear all floaty and torso-less.

9. Robin Hood
While nowhere near as bad as the criminally awful first series (which somehow evaded last year’s list), Robin Hood still merits an appearance in our countdown of televisual tripe. Horrific dialogue, laughable action scenes, entirely sexless lead characters, and of course, the tenuous efforts at wedging contemporary social issues into a medieval setting. Legend-diluting nonsense, we salute thee with Ye Olde Middle Finger.

8. Location Location Location Live
Don’t get us wrong, we love a bit of Phil ‘n’ Kirstie action. One of their strongest points is that they’re not presenters, they’re property experts. And while that means they’re fully clued-up in the relevant area, it sadly means live TV isn’t exactly their comfort zone. In fact, Location Location Location Live was on a par with the 1989 Brit Awards for sheer awkwardness. Keep shuffling those cue cards, Kirstie, that’ll fill the dead air.

7. DanceX
Seriously, did they make up the rules to this show as they went along? Hey, let’s put together a dance troupe! No, let’s make it two, actually. And let’s have them sing! Now, should we have them perform individually? And how will we vote them off? Oh, look, we conveniently have two bands of five, each with four ropey dancers and a shouty singer. The outcome? ITV1 wiping the floor with the Beeb ratings-wise, and a No. 91 single. Result.

6. Katy Brand’s Big Ass Show
While, in principle, we strongly support up-and-coming comedy talent (as Lord knows we’re well in need of some more in the UK), mention must be made of the monumentally unfunny Katy Brand, or more accurately, her Big Ass Show on ITV2. Granted, we could only stomach one episode, so there’s a strong chance the remainder of the series was an uproarious triumph, but the very idea of enduring another ghastly Amy Winehouse parody is too frightening to consider.

5. The Jeremy Kyle Show
A perennial non-favourite, The Jeremy Kyle Show continues to be the modern day equivalent of unwashed crowds gathering to gleefully witness a public hanging. Thankfully, its daytime slot means it tends to evade us nicely, although its presence is nonetheless felt through its existence alone. And ironically, Jeremy Kyle himself - equal parts twisted sadist and condescending prick - is the person who really needs putting in the stocks. Now that we’d watch…

4. Big Brother 8
Up there with the cataclysmic Series 4 as the joint worst season of Big Brother since the show’s birth, this summer’s snorefest really hit home how truly bereft of ideas Endemol actually are. Aside from the fact that the housemates were principally post-adolescent, clueless, fame-hungry imbeciles, the overall production had a complete lack of substance and was dragged on for approximately six weeks too many. A rigorous overhaul or a remorseless axe are the only two options.

3. This Life +10
Only just making the cut, having been screened on 2nd January, but what a worthy entrant into our list of unforgivable screen shite. Completely diluting the clout and the quality of the original series, This Life +10 was akin to taking a 1969 Jaguar E-type and sticking fluorescent tube lights underneath it, finished off with a pair of furry dice on the rear view mirror and an acid smiley on the bonnet. An unwarrantable insult to one of the most iconic shows of the 1990’s, this proved to be the worst idea in drama in 2007.

2. Living On The Edge
Cementing the death of MTV UK without sparing the gore, Living On The Edge was touted as the British answer to Laguna Beach. Now, we know Laguna Beach in itself is a steaming pile of horsecrap, but at least they’re halfway to casting attractive people who can string a sentence together. Living On The Edge, however, gives us Tom, the questionably-assigned hunk of the show, who resembles the Pillsbury Dough Man, and a vast array of repugnant, orange-skinned harpies providing the babe element. And were we able to catch a single word the mumbling morons utter, we’d be able to confirm whether the dialogue is as repugnant as the rest of the production.

1. Skins
Let’s face it, no show could have ever lived up to the kind of astronomical hype rolled out by E4 for this series. So it didn’t help that the show itself turned out to be the most smug, hateful, contrived, stage school diarrhoea splattered onto UK screens in aeons. Painted as a picture of valid adolescent craziness, yet you’d find more realism in an episode of In The Night Garden; truly punchable characters; a neverending torrent of graceless, smarmy dialogue; a banal, clichéd “trendy” soundtrack. All in all, teeth-grindingly awful and an utter embarrassment to British TV.